Happy Saturnalia Everyone!

It's that time of year again! Yep.. time to argue about "keeping Christ in Christmas" and forcing schools to call it "winter" break. Ah, the scent of righteous anger is in the air!  Here's the deal folks.. shocking as it may be.. not all religions are christian religions, and LOTS of religions are older than Christianity. I know, I was floored myself when I was told! Deep breaths people.. deep breaths. Better now? Good.. let's continue.

As difficult as it is to believe, Christmas is not exactly the calm and holy day you believe it to be. It began as a day of murder, drunkenness, cannibalism, and outright debauchery:  Roman pagans first introduced the holiday of Saturnalia, a week long period of lawlessness celebrated between December 17-25.  During this period, Roman courts were closed (just like our own court system), and Roman law dictated that no one could be punished for damaging property or injuring people during the week long celebration.  The festival began when Roman authorities chose “an enemy of the Roman people” to represent the “Lord of Misrule.”  Each Roman community selected a victim whom they forced to indulge in food and other physical pleasures throughout the week.  At the festival’s conclusion, December 25, Roman authorities believed they were destroying the forces of darkness by brutally murdering this innocent man or woman. In addition to human sacrifice, Lucian (in his dialogue entitled Saturnalia) mentions these customs: widespread intoxication (Eggnog); going from house to house while singing naked (Caroling perhaps?); rape and other sexual license; and consuming human-shaped biscuits (can you say Gingerbread Men?). In the 4th century CE, Christianity imported the Saturnalia festival hoping to take the pagan masses in with it.  Christian leaders succeeded in converting to Christianity large numbers of pagans by promising them that they could continue to celebrate the Saturnalia as Christians.  The problem was that there was nothing intrinsically Christian about Saturnalia (Gee, ya think?). To remedy this, Christian leaders named Saturnalia’s concluding day, December 25, to be Jesus’ birthday.

Over the centuries these events have been wiped away, replaced with sweet and endearing stories of miracles to guide Christians to total Christmas/Jesus acceptance. We accept it, hook, line, and sinker. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy, it encourages us to be better people (for a few days anyway), it makes for great PR, and it gives us something to fight over (in true Saturnalia form).

 Happy Holidays seems much easier than Merry (Ashura  - Islam   Saint Nicholas Day - Christian   Bodhi Day(Rohatsu)  - Buddhism   Immaculate Conception - Catholic Christian   Feast day - Our Lady of Guadalupe - Catholic Christian   Posadas Navidenas through Dec. 25 - Christian   Hanukkah - Jewish  Solstice Yule - Christian   Yule - Wicca/Pagan northern hemisphere Litha - Wicca/Pagan  southern hemisphere   Christmas Eve - Christian   Christmas - Christian   Feast of the Nativity - Orthodox Christian   Zarathosht Diso (Death of Prophet Zarathushtra) - Zoroastrian   Saint Stephen, Deacon and Martyr - Christian   Holy Innocents - Christian   Feast of the Holy Family - Catholic Christian    Watch Night - Christian) Day.. but that's just me.

Remember, for every time YOU feel slighted or angered by someone not telling you "Merry Christmas".. there are a TON of people you are pissing off every time you say those words to them.

Baffled and disturbed..

I have been feeling terribly down on myself lately. I talk a good bullshit game, but it boils down to the simple fact that I feel totally inferior and mostly useless as a human being.

I have allowed my family to fall apart financially, forcing a move into sub-standard housing. I have wallowed in self pity to the point of not showering for days on end. My standards of parenting have dissolved into microwaved dinners at 7pm and homework as an afterthought. I force myself through the day, joy and laughter distant memories, all I really want to do is lie in bed and eat. I have gained weight (something I could not afford to do) my face has broken out horribly, and my toes have not been painted since before Halloween. I have fallen apart, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I know why, it doesn't matter, I simply can't seem to get myself out of this disaster.

I have dealt with depression before, most of us have to some extent. What terrifies me is the severity of the depression this time. Usually, a few days of ice cream, bubble bath, and a good cry pulls me right out of the funk. I have had MONTHS of this, letting my entire life fall to shit as I watch unconcerned. I am mired in the lies I was told, believing every hateful and cruel thing I heard him say I was. I KNOW I am worth something, I KNOW I am a beautiful, intelligent, open hearted, vibrant human being. Yet I have become the worthless, stupid, lazy, selfish, dull loser he saw me as.

This doesn't make any sense to me. Shouldn't that part of me have been left behind when he was? How could I possibly transform myself into this mess I see in the mirror? I am baffled and honestly more afraid than I have ever been. I have got to find the key to tearing myself from the crippling depression, there has to be a way to get my self and my life back.. right?

Some people..

I have been accused of writing in this blog about someone.. someone I thought was a friend.. and have been unfriended  because of it. Here's the deal.. If I am gonna talk about you, you are gonna KNOW it is you. If I say something and you just assume (because your ego is the size of a fuckin elephant) that I'm talking about you, read the whole damn story then decide if it's really you. The people in my last blog know EXACTLY who they are, and you sure as hell were not one of them. Not my problem if I hit upon some deep seated desires or fantasies or whatever.. it still wasn't about you. I know.. or thought I knew.. where we stood, guess I was wrong. To believe that any part of the blog was directed at you, smacks of narcissistic tendencies to the Nth degree.. something I find sad and rather creepy now. My respect for you has disappeared, and don't say hi when I show up to dance.. I am not there for you. You wanna be a dick and accuse me of something that didn't happen? There ya go.. enjoy your 2 seconds of the limelight Mr. "Rock Star".. now you ARE in my blog.

Pirates, Rock Stars, and the Clowns they play with..

I <3 Halloween.. more than Christmas, more than my birthday, more than any holiday ever. This year, with Halloween falling on Monday, there were multiple occasions to dress up throughout the weekend.. with the best reason falling on Saturday night. Going out to the club to hear my favorite local band, in costume, makes me happier than a bird with a french fry! Usually.

This year did not live up to my expectations, not even a little. The band was awesome, the club was packed, my friends were fabulous, and the weather was decent enough to warrant my tiny costume. So.. what's the problem? A pirate flinging mixed signals and a rock star with boundary issues would be the fly in my fantastic Halloween ointment.

Said pirate is a pro at the mixed signal game, flirty and hands-y and naughty.. then runs off like a puppy that piddled on the carpet the instant I show signs of reciprocating. Really? If I'm not your type, I'm totally ok being your friend cuteness.. but friends don't usually make motor boating references (unless you are Mo.. then all bets are off!) or behave in ways that say "I wanna have nasty dirty monkey sex with you until the sun comes up" I don't look like, or act like, the giggly little tramps that fawn all over you.. and maybe that's the problem. We can only hope that your penis is as big as your ego adorable one :)

Aforementioned rock star is also guilty of toying with my tingly parts.. ummmm.. not that way you perverts! Using a pretty little clown to satisfy your duplicitous needs is un-called for.. even if that clown loved every second of it. I know, and you know, that the behavior shown that night was due to some pent up desires, but it was still a bad idea and won't happen ever again. You are who you are, with everything that goes with that, and some tonsil hockey won't make it go away. In fact, it will just get me in trouble.. and not the fun kind of trouble either! So hands (lips and tongue too) off buddy boy!

I am curious.. why do these two men feel the desire to yank me around? I may have been a safe flirt when I was in a relationship.. but I am single now, and have no intentions of being some ego boosting "friend" for men I would rather just fuck. If we dance like that, touch like that, talk like that.. there had better be a happy ending to my night. Sure.. you are talented, and adorable, and manly.. now take off your pants or behave yourself. We can be friends, and you can act like a friend.. or we can have benefits and you can act like you wanna see me nekked.. choose one.

That got a little rant-y didn't it :)

Long story short.. if I can't have you, don't act like I can.. there are plenty of girls out there that will be happy to stroke your egos and expect nothing in return but a minute of your attention and maybe a picture to commemorate the event.. I am not that girl.

Can't touch this..

Why do women fall all over themselves for the unavailable guy? You know the one I'm talking about.. the happily married man, or unhappily divorced, the guy still dragging around all the garbage from his last girlfriend. The physically unavailable men are an easy answer, we all want what we can't have.. and most of us are content with harmless flirting with that guy. It's the emotionally unavailable ones that get our knickers in a twist.. the hottie firmly ensconced in the past, pining for the girl that got away.

 Do we want to prove our womanly prowess by getting him over her, or do we intend to "fix" him and make him happy in spite of the "other woman" that holds his heart? Maybe it's something deeper, something in ourselves that needs to be remedied instead.

I have a horrible habit of going for the unavailable man.. one whiff of "can't touch this" and I am all over it. After  an ungodly amount of time spent chasing someone else's dream, I finally figured out why I do it. After my very first relationship ended, I was left with a impenetrable belief that I was not worthy of being important. I did not matter to him, therefore I was never going to matter to any man at all. I began to seek out the guys that were guaranteed to treat me exactly that way. I didn't realize how bad it had become until I found myself involved with that first love again.. when he walked away for another woman it hit me.

 I deserve more than I have ever allowed myself to have, I deserve love and loyalty, I deserve to be number 1 on his priority list, I deserve to receive the same passion and attention as I give any man lucky enough to have me. I am trying to stay away from the unavailable men, had one slip-up but thankfully he was a good guy and we are sort of friends instead. Now actually making an effort to go for a single hottie, we will see where that takes me huh?!

One thing is certain, I will never settle for being less than a fuckin princess in the eyes of any guy again.. and that's a great feeling!

Let's go all the way..

I am ready for something different. I don't do "single and celibate" real well.. especially the celibate part. I suppose I am too shy when it comes to making a move, or maybe I miss the go for it signal, but I can't seem to get and hold the attention of someone able to fix my situation :) A big part of my reluctance to make a move stems from my breakup.. regardless of the confident and sexy front I put up.. I am fundamentally terrified of being rejected again. I see myself as something less then attractive: a stupid, old, slovenly chub with no redeeming graces. Pair that with the skinny, tan, boob jobbed 21yr old competition, and I am out of luck. I have been told I appear to be unapproachable, some guys have said I am intimidating (something I find deeply amusing) when really all they are seeing is fear and confusion.

 Recently, I was out with friends and happened upon a man I find incredibly attractive. I flirted my ass off.. giving him every sign and opportunity to move in for some physical attention. While he did seem ok to get a little touchy-feely, the night ended with me home alone and wondering if maybe I missed something. It probably didn't help that my adorable friends tried to "assist" in closing the deal.. I'm not that girl and was a bit uncomfortable with it all.. but they are at least getting laid so there must be something to what they are doing. I am not looking to fall in love.. more than friends but less than a couple sounds good to me.. but I am either invisible or "a sweet girl". Damn!

I will continue to push myself, I am tired of spending my nights alone, but I wonder.. How far will I have to go in order to go all the way again?

Well Then..

 It occurred to me recently that I have been doing ALOT of whining about how hard it is for me to find a guy. Just me you understand, my friends, even my cousin who has been here a few weeks, all seem to have zero trouble in this area! So, being the pro-active gal I am, I decided to try to puzzle out the "why" behind my predicament. I stumbled upon an idea, which I then thoroughly tore into, that very well may explain not only my current lack of male companionship but my horrible history of getting the wrong guy in the first place.

  What dawned on me was this: Every relationship I have ever had was one I just sort of fell into. I have never been an active participant in my own romantic life, instead I have simply wandered into a full blown relationship without even trying. I have not ever "looked" for someone that I would be compatible with, have never stopped dating a guy because (I haven't actually just dated anyone to be honest) I decided he wasn't the guy for me, I have never even gone on just a single date with anyone.. and no, one night stands do not count as dates! I have always been either IN a relationship or NOT in a relationship, and that right there is my problem.

  I don't know how to flirt for real. I can and do flirt with everyone on a friendly and harmless level, but have no concept of how to do it in a meaningful manner. It's not that I'm afraid of being turned down, I just can't seem to translate my flirty feelings into real actions. I think I come across flaky or socially inept, or pushy. Obviously I am not the only one to see it this way, since my efforts are rarely rewarded with any attention ;) So.. whats a girl to do? I have NO idea!

  I have limited female role models to look to, and it has always been this way. My mother kept her romantic liaisons so private, my brother and I only met the ones she actually married (or lived with). My grandmother was married forever, then had one disastrous relationship after my grandaddy passed away. My aunt was always married (any dating or other marriages were before my time) so I never had any contact with the "courting" stages of any relationships. I did however have friends, some of which knew how to wrap a guy around their finger with a look and 2 words. I was never able to figure out how they did it, no matter how hard I tried.

  As an adult, I seem to be just as clueless as when I was a teenager. Still watching my friends fight off male attention, and wondering how they do it. Hell, I can't even get a guy to answer an email, much less take me to dinner! I am so unsure of my abilities in the single world, I have relegated myself to the "hot but unavailable" role and stick with that, because then I don't look or sound like an idiot.

  I don't want to fall into another relationship, I want to choose the man I get. Until I can figure out how to be "that" girl, I guess I will have to settle for being "that girl"s friend.

The single girls Top 10.. er.. 26

Ok.. I woke up this morning in a FOUL mood. It took me a bit to figure it out.. and when I did it just made me even more irritated! I am angry.. because I am single.

 Normally I LOVE being single. Today however, it feels like a black hole, sucking all the color and joy from my life. I have decided, in my awesome and astounding genius way of thinking, that I need a list. Not just any list mind you, but a complete and unabashed list of exactly why I both love and hate being single. Perhaps, my admittedly huge ego and slightly less huge IQ can get to the bottom of this, and I will decide once and for all just where I stand on the "single girl" status I have found myself in again. In my current mood, it shouldn't be difficult to come up with TONS of things I completely despise about being single, but I am willing to approach this exercise with an open mind. Here goes:

Things I HATE about being single-
 (start time 11:10 am)
1. being alone
2. no sex
3. looking for a partner
4. no support
5. fear of not being good enough
6.                                            
 (11:32 am)


Things I LOVE about being single-
 (start time 11:34 am)
1. no conflict
2. sleeping alone
3. decorating to my taste
4. not shaving my legs for a week
5. taking a 2 hr. bath
6. having all my friends (even the male ones)
7. no jealousy
8. flirting
9. being myself
10. fun
11.laughter
12. feeling beautiful
13. feeling smart
14. being independent
15. putting on make-up just because
16. going out
17. watching trashy tv
18. not pretending to understand comics or graphic novels
19. wearing all my heels
20. Burlesque                                 
 (11: 39 am)

Ummmmm, well.. that was unexpected. I could have given each list the same amount of time, but I think I made my point to myself rather quickly. I enjoy being single then.. so why am I so miserable today? I DO want someone to spend time with.. or at least have the sex with.. maybe even discuss politics and books and the history channel, or just have the sex with ;) yet I am livid at the unfairness of my my single status, I DON'T want to be single right this minute! I want.. something.. else.. right now anyway.

 After a minute of evaluation, looking at my list, I have discovered something rather silly and stupid. Today marks one year since "we" decided to move in together. I didn't find that in my lists of course, it was in the date at the top of my blog. I don't want to be single today because I wasn't supposed to be single again. Ahh.. mystery solved.

 I really do enjoy my single girl life, I would like some male attention though, but on my terms. I know it's possible, and I intend to figure out how. I was right to make my lists, it really did clarify things.. I'm not even angry anymore. I will take the time today to grieve a little, but only a little, because I know I am the only one who will.

Safety Dance

 My female friends are waiting not so patiently for me to hop back up on the "man" horse that threw me, and all seem baffled at my reluctance to do so as of yet. However, I have figured out an ingenious way to have my beef cake and eat it too, all without the worry and emotional fragility that comes with dipping a manicured toe into the dating pool. I have simply embraced the Unavailable Crush technique.

 Some of you are aware of my years long infatuation with a VERY unavailable man, or rather, my fascination with the persona of said man. Who is he in real life matters not a whit to me, I don't want to pick up his dirty underthings or smell his morning breath! I am enamoured with the sexy, powerful, adorable growling man he is for 5 or 6 hours every few weeks. THAT man I wanna do terribly naughty things with, and do them often ;*

 I have also developed a new Unavailable Crush on my adorably hot neighbor. He has these muscles, and this smile that makes me feel a little melty. He and I have exchanged maybe 20 words in the month I have lived here, most of them about his dog, yet I have created this life for him that pleases me immensely. He is not really my type, once you look past the surface, but oh man, he is fun to look at and think about!

 These men are perfectly safe from my amorous attentions, I would never dream of pursuing the "real" them. That would spoil everything! I rather enjoy the knowledge that they are not real boys, the knowing allows me the ability to make them into whatever I want.

  It really is not as insane as it sounds, although I do admit it does sound a teensy bit stalker-ish. No fear intrepid reader, I have not gone round the bend. It is my Safety Dance, and I like it.