Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Baffled and disturbed..

I have been feeling terribly down on myself lately. I talk a good bullshit game, but it boils down to the simple fact that I feel totally inferior and mostly useless as a human being.

I have allowed my family to fall apart financially, forcing a move into sub-standard housing. I have wallowed in self pity to the point of not showering for days on end. My standards of parenting have dissolved into microwaved dinners at 7pm and homework as an afterthought. I force myself through the day, joy and laughter distant memories, all I really want to do is lie in bed and eat. I have gained weight (something I could not afford to do) my face has broken out horribly, and my toes have not been painted since before Halloween. I have fallen apart, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I know why, it doesn't matter, I simply can't seem to get myself out of this disaster.

I have dealt with depression before, most of us have to some extent. What terrifies me is the severity of the depression this time. Usually, a few days of ice cream, bubble bath, and a good cry pulls me right out of the funk. I have had MONTHS of this, letting my entire life fall to shit as I watch unconcerned. I am mired in the lies I was told, believing every hateful and cruel thing I heard him say I was. I KNOW I am worth something, I KNOW I am a beautiful, intelligent, open hearted, vibrant human being. Yet I have become the worthless, stupid, lazy, selfish, dull loser he saw me as.

This doesn't make any sense to me. Shouldn't that part of me have been left behind when he was? How could I possibly transform myself into this mess I see in the mirror? I am baffled and honestly more afraid than I have ever been. I have got to find the key to tearing myself from the crippling depression, there has to be a way to get my self and my life back.. right?

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