Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Midlife crisis.. Like a Boss

I have decided.. I am going to have a midlife crisis. Not some mamby-pamby girlie "what have I done with my life" kind of crisis either.. but a full on "like a man" kind of crisis. Let's be honest here.. the ONE thing guys do better than any woman out there.. is indulge in some serious self-centered ass-hole narcissistic chest thumping when they decide to have a midlife meltdown.

 That's what I'm looking for.. get some new hair, a fake tan, some huge and gaudy costume jewelry (ok.. I already own a fair bit of it.. Not my point) and strut my stuff like I am the hottest tramp on the strip.

My muse for this crisis is an un-named gentleman whose Peter Pan antics were witnessed this past Saturday night. With his toupee-like hair, over-large medallion necklace, and half unbuttoned shirt,  I caught a glimpse of confident greatness. It didn't matter that women were laughing AT him, it mattered that he was not invisible to those women, and we all know you can't get laid if you are invisible. (well, you can.. but that takes on some creepy rape fantasy undertones)

A man's midlife crisis stems from a fundamental need to be seen as young and virile, still being that studly hunter who can put the antelope on the table and then do the little woman till daybreak. The fact that these men wouldn't even KNOW an antelope if they saw one, or that the only way they are doing ANYTHING till daybreak besides snoring is with some help from the viagra fairy, does not matter one whit. It's the perception of youth and manliness that MUST be maintained.

So, how does a woman go about having a "man style" midlife throwdown? Maybe I just need to hit on EVERY single 21 yr old guy I can lay my eyes on.. eventually one of them is bound to accept. Let's forget for a second that any 21 yr old boy I bang is gonna make me feel like a pervert (my daughter is 20).. How exactly do I face my friends with my little puppy in tow? Oops.. already made a mistake! Men do NOT concern themselves with such trivial issues like age and friends acceptance! Ok.. back on track. I just need to get out there and BE young and hot.. I can do that :) Will keep ya'll updated on my progress.. just so everyone can be jealous of my awesomeness.