Over the past 10 months, I have not cried.. I have not mourned the death of my relationship.. I have turned a blind eye and deaf ear to the internal hell I have been suffering. I have bitched, I have complained, I have riled against the fates.. but I have in no way opened the door, not even a crack, on the devastation my id has been dealt. The id has kicked that door open. Completely. I am crying.. the things that I avoided to protect myself have found their way to me instead.. I am raw and exposed.
The boot that kicked in the door was music.. and fiction.
While watching a television show, I was faced with this song:
Which started the tears.. I have come to realize that no matter how horrible the man was that he became, the boy I fell in love with would always hold my heart. I loved the man that boy should have been. The fact that he failed, that he was not able to live up to the potential within him, is something I have to live with. I expected him to be something he was incapable of being.. and for that I apologize. I never loved the man he really was, I loathe that man in fact, but the fault lies not with him being incomplete.. but with my knack of overlooking that simple fact. I will always love John Chidester.. the idea and the dream of what he could have been.
The second fictional life and song.. hit too close to home:
. In the game of "us".. John won. He got everything.. and I was left standing with not a shred of anything. I had hoped that in the grand scheme of things.. I would come out the winner.. but the world doesn't work that way. He drew first blood, he won. He walked away with not a scar, not a tear, only laughter.. because it was only ever a game to him in the first place. I have come to understand.. I was not the prize to be won.. but the competitor to be vanquished. The relationship we had was nothing more than an extended battle, the trophy was my begging him to stay with me.. my terror at watching him leave.. my tear stained face looking at him, and him laughing back at me. I couldn't understand.. couldn't begin to fathom.. how can a person look at the one they swore to love, and laugh at their desperation? He didn't love me. He wanted to hurt me, to rip every last bit of self respect, self confidence, just plain self.. from my hands. He wanted me to crawl.. and he wanted to kick me in the teeth when he got tired of the game. He won, he is the undisputed champion of our relationship.. the winner takes it all.
Knowing now.. how cruel and cold he truly was towards me.. I can finally stop blaming, stop wondering, stop trying to finish the job of destroying myself that he began. Maybe I can actually allow myself to grieve and move on.. the man I loved never existed, and the man that despised me is not worth giving any part of myself to anymore.. not even hate.