Can't touch this..

Why do women fall all over themselves for the unavailable guy? You know the one I'm talking about.. the happily married man, or unhappily divorced, the guy still dragging around all the garbage from his last girlfriend. The physically unavailable men are an easy answer, we all want what we can't have.. and most of us are content with harmless flirting with that guy. It's the emotionally unavailable ones that get our knickers in a twist.. the hottie firmly ensconced in the past, pining for the girl that got away.

 Do we want to prove our womanly prowess by getting him over her, or do we intend to "fix" him and make him happy in spite of the "other woman" that holds his heart? Maybe it's something deeper, something in ourselves that needs to be remedied instead.

I have a horrible habit of going for the unavailable man.. one whiff of "can't touch this" and I am all over it. After  an ungodly amount of time spent chasing someone else's dream, I finally figured out why I do it. After my very first relationship ended, I was left with a impenetrable belief that I was not worthy of being important. I did not matter to him, therefore I was never going to matter to any man at all. I began to seek out the guys that were guaranteed to treat me exactly that way. I didn't realize how bad it had become until I found myself involved with that first love again.. when he walked away for another woman it hit me.

 I deserve more than I have ever allowed myself to have, I deserve love and loyalty, I deserve to be number 1 on his priority list, I deserve to receive the same passion and attention as I give any man lucky enough to have me. I am trying to stay away from the unavailable men, had one slip-up but thankfully he was a good guy and we are sort of friends instead. Now actually making an effort to go for a single hottie, we will see where that takes me huh?!

One thing is certain, I will never settle for being less than a fuckin princess in the eyes of any guy again.. and that's a great feeling!

Let's go all the way..

I am ready for something different. I don't do "single and celibate" real well.. especially the celibate part. I suppose I am too shy when it comes to making a move, or maybe I miss the go for it signal, but I can't seem to get and hold the attention of someone able to fix my situation :) A big part of my reluctance to make a move stems from my breakup.. regardless of the confident and sexy front I put up.. I am fundamentally terrified of being rejected again. I see myself as something less then attractive: a stupid, old, slovenly chub with no redeeming graces. Pair that with the skinny, tan, boob jobbed 21yr old competition, and I am out of luck. I have been told I appear to be unapproachable, some guys have said I am intimidating (something I find deeply amusing) when really all they are seeing is fear and confusion.

 Recently, I was out with friends and happened upon a man I find incredibly attractive. I flirted my ass off.. giving him every sign and opportunity to move in for some physical attention. While he did seem ok to get a little touchy-feely, the night ended with me home alone and wondering if maybe I missed something. It probably didn't help that my adorable friends tried to "assist" in closing the deal.. I'm not that girl and was a bit uncomfortable with it all.. but they are at least getting laid so there must be something to what they are doing. I am not looking to fall in love.. more than friends but less than a couple sounds good to me.. but I am either invisible or "a sweet girl". Damn!

I will continue to push myself, I am tired of spending my nights alone, but I wonder.. How far will I have to go in order to go all the way again?