Sunday, May 11, 2014

ManicPixieDreamGirl.. and how to maybe survive being her friend..

This blog is probably going to cause some serious shit, and I'm sorry. Just know that I love you still, and maybe once you are done being mad.. you can see that.

I am (was) friends with a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. You know those girls.. just picture every part ever played by big eyed Zooey Dechanel.. the kooky, cutesy, pseudo mystical, awkward, adorable dress twirler that makes men melt into people puddles. I didn't realize she was a MPDG for a long time, mostly because I didn't want to, the MPDG goes against everything I believe in, everything I stand for, everything I want. 

This type of girl (I can not call them women, they are far too little girly to be women) is manufactured to be a man's dream of the perfect woman, she is a sexually active adult wrapped up in a 5 yr olds attitude, with every thought and action directed to be pleasing to men. Everything the MPDG does is adorable, from the way she sneezes to shocking people with her potty mouth, she is the picture of flat out cute. 

Some don't realize what their persona conveys, they firmly believe (like my friend) that she is just being her quirky self, giggling over butterflies and exerting their belief in magic while playing video games all day in their cute jammies. These girls are clueless as to why any being with a penis flocks to her, shocked and befuddled when they get hit on every time they leave the house! They maintain that they just don't get it, but they absolutely revel in the attention, glowing with every turn down, and making little mu faces to their female friends because gosh.. I can't do anything without men wanting me. 

My friend is forever getting hit on, regardless of where we are, she got hit on at the zoo for fucks sake. It was an issue for me, not understanding, and her attitude really only made it worse. When I expressed frustration over being invisible when she was around, she stated that from then on she would make a serious effort to not look cute or anything when we went out (because I was obviously a troll and she had to work to be ugly and not get hit on) 

The MPDG is all about being wanted by as many men as possible, even the ones she doesn't want, because men wanting her makes her feel special. These are girls who must be wanted, must be seen as the muse, the object of desire, the utmost in rainbow glitter farting unicorn in a field of daisy fairies specialness.. or else they don't feel important at all. Everything is about them, even when it isn't. 

Last summer, I went through a dating assholes phase. At one point, my friend told me that she was just going to pretend to be mad at me so she didn't have to hear about it anymore, then wanted to know why I wasn't talking to her about stuff.  At the end of the summer, when I actually got my heart broken, she called me. Not to console or offer a shoulder to cry on, but to find out if I was mad at her because she encouraged me to open my heart and let people in. I was stunned. 

Manic Pixie Dream Girls don't really mean to be so self involved, they simply can't feel special if someone else is in the spotlight. Everything ultimately must be about them, because they survive on the attention of everyone else. MPDG's will create drama in order to gain attention, even when they are loudly claiming that they don't want any attention at all. There is never a down time with them, either you make them feel special and cherished, or they are going to push it till you do. The MPDG is a pro at passive aggressive behavior with their female peers, because they won't cause a scene in which they may be seen as anything other than the perfectly sweet victim of some other woman's jealousy.   

The good news is, most girls outgrow their Manic Pixie Dream Girl personality, blossoming into real and wonderful women. Why did I say real? I think that MPDG is a lot like Pinocchio, a hollow imitation of people, pretending to be something that they are not yet capable of being. I want to be around when my friend grows out of hers, I want to see her be the woman I KNOW is inside just waiting to be let out. She is surrounded by strong, brave, outspoken women.. and I believe (maybe naively) that she wants to be a real woman someday.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Negative Nancy..

During the course of a religious discussion the other day, I was informed that I was not really happy without god. Said accuser had at one time been a friend in real life as well as on FB, but unfriended me a few years ago because of her inability to see anything other than her own opinion and skewed ideas on how a woman's life should be lived. When I pointed out the fact that, as a christian person, she had been the first to turn away when we saw things differently, she decided to tell me that it had NOTHING to do with our opposite views but with my constant negative attitude.

Hmmmm.. oh really?

Ya'll know that I take those comments seriously, so, being me, I wondered if that was an accurate statement. I have spent the last 24ish hours going through my fb, looking for and counting the honestly negative posts.. all the way back to my very first days on facebook. What I found was a bit eye opening.

There were quite a few weight related negative posts, as well as men suck negative posts, because I was unhappy with both of those aspects of my life. When I weighed (haha) those rantings against the VAST quantity of other day in the life posts however, the number was actually incredibly small. In fact, the bulk of them were from June 2011-Dec 2012.

This was also the time frame that old friend and I both reconnected and stopped being friends again.

What was going on in my life that made me so negative for a year and a half? Oh yea.. I remember!

I had been cheated on by my fiance, kicked out of our home so he could move his new girlfriend and her kids in, lost my condo because no one living in it would work and help me pay for it, ballooned to almost 300 lbs, was abandoned by my married best friend because I kissed a guy she could never have, and generally WAS miserable.

 I was also attending church, trying to immerse myself in the feeling of love and community I had been promised.. a feeling that did not exist btw. At church I was snubbed because I was not married, I was belittled because I dared question a male teachers interpretation of the bible, and was finally shut out by the bishop because I refused to join the singles groups and find a man.

Was I unhappy because I didn't have god? No.. I didn't have anything.. that's why I was unhappy. God didn't comfort me when I had no one, god didn't lift me up so I could heal, god didn't whisper to me in the dark and give me the strength to get out of bed every day.. god was just as absent as every other human being (the ones I had not grown in my own body excluded) I had loved.

So I made some changes. I found and cultivated friendships with people who were not insane whore bags, I stopped beating myself up for the mistakes I made in my failed relationship, I channeled that anger and disappointment and hurt and fear into making myself a better person than I had been for a little while, and in making sure that I was never so low again that someone like my best friend or my fiance or god could make me miserable. I realized I had put my faith, for a brief time, in things that really were pretend.

It was after I did all this that I was able to look at my life with a clear view, and I realized I had put my faith, for a brief time, in things that really were pretend. In my time of greatest need, I truly had stood alone.

I guess, in some ways, my old friend was right. I had been negative. With good reason, reasons that any real friend would have tried to help me overcome, but negative nonetheless. However, not having god in my life was not what made me unhappy. It was life that made me negative, and even then, it was only for a very small amount of time.

Leaving my childish belief in fairy tales behind has, in fact, given me purpose and an intense happiness! I am an honest and good human being, because that's what we all should be. Not for a reward after we die, but for the reward of not being an asshole while we are alive! Believe in what you must, but understand this please.. my life is better because I made it better, no one else. I am not ever unhappy because I lack a belief in, or relationship with, a thing called god. I am sometimes unhappy because life can suck, but that's all part of actually living one.

To my old friend.. yes, I was negative. You did not stop being my friend because of it. You stopped being my friend the moment I said that I did not believe in your god, or the arbitrary rules of your religion. Be honest next time ok, you god fearing christian woman. This atheist will be. To everyone else.. if I for real start being a negative nancy, tell me.. or better yet, ask me why and give a shit about the answer.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Isn't good enough..

I tend to be a little.. intense.. emotionally. When I decide that you are important to me, you get all of me. Every emotion and fear, every tiny bit of my heart goes to you. It's not a good plan, but that's just how it goes.. I have zero control over it. I don't allow you to go in blindly however, I do warn you.. every time. Yet it never fails, with all the warnings and danger signs, I am allowed to get close and the instant my intensity kicks in you freak out and bolt.. straight out of my life.

Fuck you.

I told you. I gave you every chance to get out before I started to give a shit. You didn't go. You continued to say you wanted me, continued to promise you were not going anywhere, continued to make me fall for you. You don't get to tell me you are "absolutely and unequivocally in love with" me and then disappear. That's so fucked up. You didn't have to tell me that. Why did you say those words? You don't get to allude to important things you want me to hear from your mouth, and then never call. You don't get to promise me a future, a life, and then just go away. No explanation, no anything but unanswered calls and ignored texts. How can you do that to a person? A person you claim to be in love with.

Yea, things moved quickly. That's ok. We have this connection, this amazing and brilliant connection straight from our hearts, minds.. in all my life I never felt anything so fantastic. I stand in amazement when I think of how honestly made for each other we are. Yet, you have gone, I didn't even get a goodbye.

Did I go completely bat shit crazy? Absolutely!

I warned you. You knew. I told you that if you scared me, I was gonna lose my shit all over the place. I did. You made promises you didn't keep, plans you bailed on. You said things about OUR future, blending my family and yours, calling us YOUR four girls. Then you don't call. You let me start to freak out. You still don't call. You let me really lose it. You let me question my worth, hell, you encourage it. As I start to fall into the abyss of doubt and fear, you do nothing to alleviate my pending madness. It wouldn't have taken much, you only had to let me know you were there. You refused. You continue to refuse. You are content to let my heart shatter, my dreams dissolve, my world tilt until I am clinging to the barest edge. You refuse to save me from myself.

True, I should have been more reserved. You wouldn't let me be. I wanted to go slow and honest and be real, you started the deep stuff. You set me on this path, swearing that you were right there holding my hand. When did you decide to let go? We swore that we would let this be awesome. You lied.

I cast not assumptions upon your character, make no allusions to the man you are. I see you still as a bright and shining human, full of intelligence and laughter.. brimming with love and tenderness, noble and good. I do not see myself in that same light. How, if the man so tailor made for me does not see my worth as a partner, is anyone ever going to? I am good, I am honest, I love with every bit of my being. I would give you the world on a silver platter, the shirt off my back, the moon if you wanted it.. yet you are running and I am lost.

For a moment, you were mine. More importantly, I was yours.. I belonged to someone so wonderful, I should have known it was only for the blink of an eye.

I have no confidence in my ability to be loved by someone, I am well acquainted with being used.. but not loved. Did you use me too? To what end I wonder, or are you simply afraid of me loving you? I'll never know the answer, I'll never see your bright blue eyes smiling at me.. or the look of wonder when we are alone. You wanted to be my last first.. but you can be my last last instead. My last attempt to be loved, my last attempt to be complete, my last moment of allowing someone to reach my heart. You can not have my heart, it is empty and useless, but you had it full and beautiful in your hands.. and you threw it away without a thought.

I  miss you Nate.. I miss you so much.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Lies and marriage, love and dating..

Wow! So much has happened in the months that I haven't been able to post, but we are gonna skip the little dating dramas for today and go straight to the biggest!

Accidentally dating.. a married man.

Not that I dated him on accident, that was on purpose, I was just unaware of his being married when I did it!

So.. met this guy a while back, we talked and really hit it off. We go on date one, and I knew I wanted to keep him. He was sweet, attentive, kind of a hottie, and had this look in his eyes that made me melt. We became inseparable, except when he had his kids. Three beautiful daughters, one of which wasn't actually his, and he spent every other week with them. Ok, I am fine with that. When he didn't have the munchkins, we spent every moment together. He said the L word, I said you terrify me.. he kept saying it anyway. I felt it, I wanted to say it, but we all know I have tons of trust issue baggage.. so I didn't say it. Every time I said you terrify me, he knew what I meant.

I got to know this guy, his fears, his dreams, his past.. or at least that's what I thought.

Turns out, with the exception of his name, everything else he said was a lie. He has four kids, all his. No job. No car. No money. His week long visitations with his kids was actually just going home. His wife supplied me with these details.

I wanted to feel sorry for her, I had been in her position. Finding out that your husband (or boyfriend) is cheating sucks, so I attempted to put her at ease, at least I was concerned. I let her know I was no longer going to see him, and then moved on with my own grieving. Until.. she starts stalking my fb and making snotty comments on her own wall regarding my pain and anger towards Robert.. calling me a whore, an idiot, and a liar. Whoa! Back it up sweetcheeks! The second you said we are married and together, I dropped him. Period. I don't do married men, in any sense of the word! I blocked him on my phone, I blocked him on fb, I erased every trace of him from my life. Yes, you have a right to be angry, but not at me! You know what kind of "man" he is, but you want to pretend that it's MY fault he cheated.. I don't fucking think so! I can't feel pity for her now, she deserves him. He is going to cheat, she is going to let him, sounds like a perfect match to me. The last thing I saw on her wall, before I blocked the crazy bitch, was a post about how I may be younger (I am at least 10 years older) prettier (well duh, I am a hottie) and have a better body (I suppose if you had cranked out four kids in five years your body might be a bit jacked up) but that didn't mean her husband wanted me, how she was a good woman, and everything I had would fade. Umm really? I respect her right to be mad, all I ask is that same curtesy. If I want to say that Robert Herrmann is a lying piece of shit not worth my time and that I am far to good for the likes of him.. I get to! I'm not angry because she is his wife, I am angry that he didn't tell me. He is the one in the wrong, not me, not her. To blame someone who was unaware, and who changed it the instant they got the info, all so you can keep your lying, cheating, coward of a husband, is insane and sad.

Keep him Rindy. He is all yours. But before you start pointing fingers at his victims, maybe you should take a good hard look at the "great man" you are married to.

Ok.. that's off my chest! My heart has been played once again, but I am a fool for love so we all know I'm not ending my search for MY guy. Next time we can discuss the winners that led me to Robert in the first place.. like the beer, Broncos, and boobs guy.. or the I want you to wear a strap-on and do me in the ass guy, and the ever popular I want a relationship but only after we sleep together so I know you are good in bed guy. Yea, dating sucks.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Not broken, just bent..

"We're not broken, just bent.. and we can learn to love again"

Those words reached inside me and touched the part of my heart that I had locked up tight. Was this true.. was I just bent after all.. and not the shattered mess I thought I was for so long? My heart said, quite clearly, that it was time to find out.

I whined for MONTHS about how I never got any attention from men.. but damned if the second I decided to date again that I wasn't fighting men off with a stick. There was a decent quantity of them, and for a minute I enjoyed the sound of my phone blowing up. From friends that had been waiting for YEARS to set me up, to an online dating site, I became a popular girl.

The quality, however, left much to be desired. Most of these guys never got past the first day of conversation. The few that did.. well.. we ALL know how those dates went ( There were a few other dates that didn't make my list, but let's just say they were almost as wonderfully magical as the top four. Then, I found a few good ones. Sweet, good guys I could talk to, and laugh with, have a coffee with no pressure.. one who even called just to sing me a song. All great guys, and not one made me feel what I was missing, although I tried.. there was just no 'it'.

 I took a chance on one in particular.. a smart assed guy that looked a little douche baggy and cocky.. THIS guy spoke to the tiny non-bitter part of me. Really? This was the one that made me feel that something.. hmm.. ok then.

Don't judge a book by it's cover. The guy opens my door, and holds my hand, and likes that I am kinda prissy. I shocked him by happily going to the junkyard with him, and not freaking out when he pulled me in for a kiss with his dirty hands. He shocked me with his terrible spelling and intelligent conversation.. he is a weird mix of bad boy and nerd.. and I like him.

He has the sweetest smile, and the saddest eyes, rough hands and rougher edges, he hold me so tight and makes me feel so wanted, so safe and beautiful.. I haven't had one moment of shyness or awkwardness with him. I get a little crazy when we text, because he is horrible at replying with more than 2 words or taking forever to reply at all.. but then he just calls and that makes me smile. This guy..

There are some obstacles, and that's ok. I'm willing to take this as slowly as I have to.. I think he's worth it. He doesn't always think he is, but I don't think I am either, we are just two bent people that can maybe lean on each other for a little while.

I guess I'm not broken after all, and even if this isn't the something special I'm looking for.. He makes me willing to at least give it a chance. I haven't felt this for so long, I forgot how wonderful it is.. fear and all.


Saturday, May 4, 2013

Reasons to stay single..

Ugh. Is there really anything worse than getting back into the dating pool? It reminds you that not shaving your legs because the cat doesn't care if you are furry is a wonderful way to live.

Seriously, all the prep for a date is ridiculous.. even if you don't think sex will be involved. You shave, and pluck, and paint, and curl.. all to eat some food and chat. WTF? I can eat and talk in my sweats and a ponytail for craps sake. This however is not the reason for today's blog.. just random ranting before we get to..

The good stuff.

I have so far gone out with four men.. and I think maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead.

Let's start with the most recent.. sweet and funny and cute and young. We talked for a week, both through text and on the phone.. getting to know each other. He was adorable. Said the sweetest things, was smart and sarcastic, he would send me random texts throughout the day of shit to make me laugh. We met for coffee.. and it was awful. Awkward and weird.. no sign of the sparks we had before the face to face. Still, we tried to connect, talking and flirting. I walked him to his car, hug, then the kiss. Blah. If there has ever been a more terrible kiss I would LOVE to know about it, just so I could send sympathy to those involved. I wonder if this was his first kiss.. ever. There was a weird where do I put my hands thing, and several head tilts, before he came at me like a passive aggressive goldfish. He sent me a text later, and we had to agree that this was not something that either of us wanted to pursue.

Now, the one before him.. Tall, cute in a granola kind of way, younger by a bit, creative and sexy. This guy is so precious it almost hurts. We have discussed our baggage, our needs, our wants.. gone out a few times, he has such an old fashioned way about him. I like this one.. then he said something that freaked me out bad.. I'm not sure I can even type it out. Ugh.. ok.. here goes.. He was dropping me off after dinner, we were making out a little in the car, nothing too steamy but still decently warm.. he puts his head on my shoulder and whispers  into my ear.. I can't say it! It's just awful! No No No.. ok.. deep breath.. he called me Mommy. Said he wanted to be my baby boy and called me mommy. Gah. Needless to say.. we haven't talked much since that night. I know I should probably at least let him know why I have suddenly gotten so busy.. but eww.. the thought of the entire incident makes my skin crawl.

Guy before that one.. I think is a druggie.

The first guy. Ah.. I have written about him before. This guy is the one I wanted. We are making a half assed attempt at being friends.. but I think that's pretty much over. Smart, sexy, seriously cute, honest and sweet and I trust him.. even now. This is the guy I can be 100% open with. I knew going in that he was in love with someone else. I knew he wasn't going to fall in love with me. But.. then things got weird. Feelings got involved anyway. Then he bolted. Problem is, I can't compete with a chick that needs him. A sick girl at that. He has a martyr complex.. get's used and treated like crap and he prefers that. So I don't count, feelings don't matter, and I gotta move on.

I know that you have to wade through the muck that everyone surrounds themselves with in order to find that  real person.. but damn it's gotten nasty out there.

I'm not done yet, it's really early in the game, I just gotta put on my big girl panties and keep wading. Anyone got a pair of galoshes I can borrow?

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Good for you.. good for me..

I have a dilemma, one that shakes my foundation of good sex with no strings, and I am rather annoyed with myself for the mess I am making. 

It started innocently enough. Cute young guy is interested in me, added bonus.. I am interested back. We talk, we decide on dinner and see what happens. What happens turned into take me right here now, and do it again tomorrow as well. No problem. He's not a keeper, he's too young and into someone else.. no strings! Finally. 

We don't talk quite as much. He seems ready to make some kind of gesture to this other girl. Wait, I'm not ready yet. If nothing else, I like talking to him.. and kinda miss not doing that. He is the first guy I have been open with in a really long time. We are sort of friends.. and even though I know this isn't anything other than a fling I have discovered that I like knowing he is around. 

Yesterday I was feeling tender (girl stuff and this damn project I am working on) and I got a one-two punch that, quite frankly, has me reeling a bit. After hardly talking, up pops a text asking if I know where to get a gift box for jewelry, like a necklace or a ring. Umm.. why would you ask your side chick where to find something for your real girl? I do have feelings, even if I try to hide them.. I have shown that. So ok, boundaries have been re-established. Move on. I found myself in a weird place, I needed to talk and just connect with someone. I reached out to him. My mistake. After a barrage of 3 and 4 word texts, he didn't even bother to acknowledge the ones that meant something, the ones I needed him to see and understand. 

Well. I guess I realize that my whole no strings thing comes with strings.. they just happen to be attached to me. If he were to show up today and tell me that he wanted more, I would turn him away.. but maybe part of me wanted to mean something anyway. 

I spent a great deal of time in my last relationship trying to mean something to someone. I thought I was past that. 

Maybe we never really break our patterns, regardless of the context of our interactions. Maybe we are always going to find ourselves taking the same emotional steps in our friendships, our hook ups, and our relationships. 

I want to be wanted. Even if I don't want you. I want you think about me, with a smile or a sigh or a tingle. I want you to want me.. and I guess it will always be that way.

Can I realistically expect a sexual relationship to have no consequences? When this is over, and we don't talk anymore, when he is home with his real girl and his real life and his real feelings, am I going to be sad because I really only ever meant sex and fun and distraction from those things?

Probably. Not because I want to be the girl, but because I want to think that I am not easily set aside or forgotten. My image of myself is highly over-inflated, I think I am the greatest thing ever.. and when I find out how simple it is for some people to walk away and never think of me again, my ego is bruised.

I am not in danger of heartbreak, but I am in danger of a battered ego.. which may be worse.