Good for you.. good for me..

I have a dilemma, one that shakes my foundation of good sex with no strings, and I am rather annoyed with myself for the mess I am making. 

It started innocently enough. Cute young guy is interested in me, added bonus.. I am interested back. We talk, we decide on dinner and see what happens. What happens turned into take me right here now, and do it again tomorrow as well. No problem. He's not a keeper, he's too young and into someone else.. no strings! Finally. 

We don't talk quite as much. He seems ready to make some kind of gesture to this other girl. Wait, I'm not ready yet. If nothing else, I like talking to him.. and kinda miss not doing that. He is the first guy I have been open with in a really long time. We are sort of friends.. and even though I know this isn't anything other than a fling I have discovered that I like knowing he is around. 

Yesterday I was feeling tender (girl stuff and this damn project I am working on) and I got a one-two punch that, quite frankly, has me reeling a bit. After hardly talking, up pops a text asking if I know where to get a gift box for jewelry, like a necklace or a ring. Umm.. why would you ask your side chick where to find something for your real girl? I do have feelings, even if I try to hide them.. I have shown that. So ok, boundaries have been re-established. Move on. I found myself in a weird place, I needed to talk and just connect with someone. I reached out to him. My mistake. After a barrage of 3 and 4 word texts, he didn't even bother to acknowledge the ones that meant something, the ones I needed him to see and understand. 

Well. I guess I realize that my whole no strings thing comes with strings.. they just happen to be attached to me. If he were to show up today and tell me that he wanted more, I would turn him away.. but maybe part of me wanted to mean something anyway. 

I spent a great deal of time in my last relationship trying to mean something to someone. I thought I was past that. 

Maybe we never really break our patterns, regardless of the context of our interactions. Maybe we are always going to find ourselves taking the same emotional steps in our friendships, our hook ups, and our relationships. 

I want to be wanted. Even if I don't want you. I want you think about me, with a smile or a sigh or a tingle. I want you to want me.. and I guess it will always be that way.

Can I realistically expect a sexual relationship to have no consequences? When this is over, and we don't talk anymore, when he is home with his real girl and his real life and his real feelings, am I going to be sad because I really only ever meant sex and fun and distraction from those things?

Probably. Not because I want to be the girl, but because I want to think that I am not easily set aside or forgotten. My image of myself is highly over-inflated, I think I am the greatest thing ever.. and when I find out how simple it is for some people to walk away and never think of me again, my ego is bruised.

I am not in danger of heartbreak, but I am in danger of a battered ego.. which may be worse. 

Not the norm..

This isn't my usual blog. It's a bummer so be warned.

When my ex-husband and I were dating, my future mom in law was not fond of me. The feeling was mutual. We argued, we made threats to each other, we generally put my ex directly in the middle of our extreme dislike. Throughout the divorce, we both made sure to place blame on each other for the destruction of the marriage.

 Jan and I slowly found a way to get along. When she realized that I was not taking my girls away from their family, and was not going to turn them against their dad or the rest of them.. we started to build a friendship.

I can say now that I love this woman. She is special and I take strength from the relationship we have found.

This afternoon the entire family has been dealt a devastating blow. Jan has cancer. It is bad. Chances are very strong that we will not have this wonderful woman with us for much longer.

 How do I tell her how much she means to me? I will tell her, through tears and with shaking voice, that I am proud to have known her.. she has been an adversary and a friend, and I do not want her to go. She needs to be here for the latest grandchild's wedding, for the next great-grandchild, for her own children and for her husband who may fall apart without her.

 Jan is the glue that holds the entire dysfunctional family together.. and they are going to implode. I am not part of the family anymore..there are members that despise me and members I truly hate.. but she is still important to me.

I am thankful to know her.. and have hope that she, in her stubborn way, will be here for me to tell these things to.. but not for many years.

Slut Shame?

The thought that a woman is 'easy' because she wants sex is stupid. Women who enjoy sex, who are happy to have sex on a daily basis, outside the 'bonds of marriage' and who admit to having sexual friend or the occasional one night stand are not amoral. They are not loose or easy or full of self doubt and loathing. Men say they want sex all the time.. well guess what.. so do women! Why do we have to pretend that we don't think about sex, or want sex, or enjoy sex, in order to be attractive to a guy?  

 Men can and do have sexual encounters exactly as I just described above, yet it is the women involved that are shamed. We are bitches and hos and sluts and tramps.. never have I heard a guy describe a one night stand without at least ONE of those words being used to describe his partner in crime.

EXCUSE ME??

Why do we have to pretend that we don't think about sex, or want sex, or enjoy sex, in order to be attractive to a guy?  

I am a classy, intelligent, beautiful woman who fucking LOVES sex. I have no shame in admitting that sometimes a random one night stand is EXACTLY what I need, or that I do not feel cheap having a booty call buddy. I absolutely refuse.. yes.. REFUSE.. to accept that because I am having sex when I want to, and how I want to, that I am less 'wantable' than a woman who keeps her legs shut till the third date.

Women that are free with their sexuality are awesome. We don't play games. I'm not going to pretend that I am some shy virgin until you have spent enough money on me to pry my thighs apart.. nor am I going to hike up my skirt in some back alley because you bought me a drink. If I don't want to hump you, I'm won't.. and if I do want to, I will. No arbitrary time line, no dollar amount, no stupid rules that are in place to make me feel ashamed about sex.

If you don't respect me because I put out, that's your loss. I respect me. If you want to believe that I am worth less because I liked it, again that's your loss. I know I am worth more. It shouldn't be a battle to get laid, and fighting for it doesn't make it mean anything. How stupid do you feel when the woman you had to beg won't give you a blow job because it offends her delicate nature?

Don't think that an 'easy' woman isn't an amazing woman.. we are allowed to be both.

Sorry Bob.. but I call BULLSHIT!