Monday, March 19, 2012


I think.. that in this time of over glamorizing and down playing teen pregnancy, I am going to have to finally write a book. Telling the REAL story about being a pregnant single teenager, and all the bad and nasty things that go along with it. No cameras following you around, no covers of magazines, no multi-million dollar endorsements or book deals or motivational speaking gigs. The choices real girls are forced to make every day, and the sacrifices made to have a child when your age still ends in teen. Yea.. I think it's time. It won't sell.. but I'm gonna write the fucking thing anyway.

Settling.. (original post date 6/24/11)

  Settling.. we have all done it at one point in time or another. We have accepted mashed potatoes instead of baked, bought the black heels because they didn't have them in red, or watched a reality show re-run when our favorite show is preempted by weather coverage. We also can settle in our romantic relationships, and not even realize it.

 Every woman has a list in her head, usually one that has remained virtually unchanged since her early teens, of what it takes to be our "perfect" mate. My list, when I was 15:  tall, long hair, blue eyes, cute butt, hairy chest, smart, sweet, funny, honest, open, exciting, romantic, someone I could share my life with. The physical qualities were a direct result of the first boy I loved, however, the men in my life have run the gamut from thin, bald and a few inches taller than myself, to heavy, dark eyed and almost a foot taller. The rest of my list has remained the same though, with a few additions, over the years.

   How can we know if we have settled?

  Look at the man you are involved with. With naked honesty, really look at him. Do you still find him physically appealing? Can you not wait to run your hands over his chest or back or butt? Do you still get that little shiver when you imagine being intimate with him? No.. then you have settled. Yes.. let's move on.

  We all know that sex plays a powerful role in any relationship. Many a relationship that looked perfect on paper has been felled by bad sex. Let's take a peek under the covers and see what kind of action you have going on there. Have you told him what you like, and has he made an effort to do those things? (the key here is you being honest and telling him, if you haven't done that, he really can't be blamed) Conversely, have you told him what you don't like and has he made an effort to not push for those acts? Does he approach sex as an emotional and intimate act? Can he give and not receive on occasion? In short, is sex with you an act of love and closeness, with each partner having their needs met, more often than not? Here's a tip ladies, if the sex feels disconnected and anonymous, then it is not good relationship sex. If your lover doesn't kiss you, or hold you, or look into your eyes on a regular basis, then in his mind, you could be anyone. Good sex.. no.. you have settled. Good sex.. yes.. then we continue.

  Now it's time to move into the insides of your guy. Find that list in your head, and really focus on the important details, the things that haven't changed. Does he know what is important to you? Your dreams, wants, hopes? Do you share a passion for anything, like books or music or animals? Is he honest with you about his life? Are there shared goals, common ground? Does he lift you up, offering a hand when you fall?  Do you feel loved, wanted, needed, and important to him? Does he say, and show, that he loves you every day? Can he make you laugh, and does he try to? Can you honestly answer that, yes, he firmly fits the most basic needs and desires expressed in your list? No.. you have completely settled. Yes.. then there is more.

  Before I go on, let me address those of you that have decided you settled. My grandparents (on my dad's side) had nothing in common, they lived almost completely separate lives throughout their entire marriage. Anyone meeting them would never ever guess the person each was married to. I remember my nonny hiding in the bathroom to smoke cigarettes, because grandad believed women that smoked were trashy. My grandad would  hide his checkbook, because nonny was a saver and believed that anyone that gave money away was just asking to go to the poorhouse. There was no common ground in the raising of their kids, or politics, or even what kind of car they drove. Yet, they loved and respected each other. Nonny knew she had settled, so did grandad, but they were married for almost 50 years before he passed away. It was a good marriage, and a good life for them both, even though it should have been hell. Compromise was the key. He knew she smoked in the bathroom, he pretended he didn't and she wouldn't fall into his "trashy" category. She knew he gave money away, she pretended she didn't and could remain confident that they were financially stable. They each gave the other what they needed, sometimes in a round-about way, because they loved each other. My grandad never left the house without a kiss and an "I love you" to nonny, and they never went to bed and turned their backs to each other.

  So before you decide to pack up and leave the man you settled for, in search of the man that fits your criteria, ask yourself if there is love and respect there first. If there is, then you haven't really settled.

  There are some warning signs to watch out for, regardless of how well your man fits into your list. Any kind of abuse is a deal breaker, be it physical or mental. Yes, if he says you are stupid or ugly or lazy, if he calls you a bitch or whore, if he blames you for his faults and shortcomings, that is abuse. Does he withhold affection, take back promises, or make you work for his attention? Does he cheat, or make you believe he is cheating in order to get you to do things you don't want? Doe he make decisions based solely on his wants, treat you like a servant or a one night stand, or use the word "I"  instead of "We" almost entirely, then it you should go. He will never be what you want or need, and to stay would be the worst sort of settling.

  In the end, it's simple to tell if you are settling. Do you feel good in the relationship? Can you be yourself with him and know that you are accepted? Do you want him to feel the same way? If you can say yes, then you haven't settled. If you can't.. then you have and must make some hard decisions.

  For the record.. I settled. I am paying for it now.

Truth.. (original post date 5/23/11)

  I believe in TRUTH, no matter how much it sucks, although I won't tell someone the truth for the sole purpose of hurting them. I also believe in the Silver Lining, an eternal optimist to the nth degree. Sometimes these two ideals don't play well together, to that end Silver Lining wins every time. I have been accused of not believing in truth, of twisting it to fit my own agenda or to protect my perception of myself. To that I say bullshit! My biggest flaw may be to hide truth from one person in order to help another, or to keep someone else from being hurt. In those instances, it is the Silver Lining part of me that is in control. Yea, I guess maybe the hard truth usually comes in second now that I see some of this is print.

  My point in all this is that there will be blogs telling the blunt and bare faced truth, and blogs that tell the truth colored by my optimism, it is up to you to decide how you see your truths in my words. I'm not writing to change your mind, or to force my truths on you. I am writing to express and share those things that make me think, that make me believe, that are the very me-ness of me.

  Somewhere in this hot mess of a mind there is a desire to write, to make my mark with the words I have always adored, to enable someone else to find the same solace and joy the written word has brought to me. I have to clear out the selfish desire to have an army of people that hang on my every word, the tendency to rant and rave about the things I am most passionate about, and find my inner poet. That voice in my heart that allows me to put hand to keyboard and turn the passion and need into something beautiful.

  I may never progress past this blog, sharing my mind with the few that will find me in an ocean of other bloggers. Sad to think, but still a possibility I am faced with. However, it is my hope that even if you are the sole reader of my words, maybe there will be something in them to touch you, to make you think, to believe, to talk about at the dinner table.

Moving Day..

I am shifting a few posts from my other blog.. enjoy!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Winner take all..

I try to keep this blog and my "hate" blog completely separate.. but recent events determined the need for a cross-over. My last blog, melodramatic as it was, seemed to be a turning point for me. Finally.. maybe.. I certainly hope so.. because if I am not sitting upon the cusp of an emotional break-through, then I am teetering off the edge of a mental break-down.

Over the past 10 months, I have not cried.. I have not mourned the death of my relationship.. I have turned a blind eye and deaf ear to the internal hell I have been suffering. I have bitched, I have complained, I have riled against the fates.. but I have in no way opened the door, not even a crack, on the devastation my id has been dealt. The id has kicked that door open. Completely. I am crying.. the things that I avoided to protect myself have found their way to me instead.. I am raw and exposed.

The boot that kicked in the door was music.. and fiction.

While watching a television show, I was faced with this song:

Which started the tears.. I have come to realize that no matter how horrible the man was that he became, the boy I fell in love with would always hold my heart. I loved the man that boy should have been. The fact that he failed, that he was not able to live up to the potential within him, is something I have to live with. I expected him to be something he was incapable of being.. and for that I apologize. I never loved the man he really was, I loathe that man in fact, but the fault lies not with him being incomplete.. but with my knack of overlooking that simple fact. I will always love John Chidester.. the idea and the dream of what he could have been.

The second fictional life and song.. hit too close to home:

. In the game of "us".. John won. He got everything.. and I was left standing with not a shred of anything. I had hoped that in the grand scheme of things.. I would come out the winner.. but the world doesn't work that way. He drew first blood, he won. He walked away with not a scar, not a tear, only laughter.. because it was only ever a game to him in the first place. I have come to understand.. I was not the prize to be won.. but the competitor to be vanquished. The relationship we had was nothing more than an extended battle, the  trophy was my begging him to stay with me.. my terror at watching him leave.. my tear stained face looking at him, and him laughing back at me. I couldn't understand.. couldn't begin to fathom.. how can a person look at the one they swore to love, and laugh at their desperation? He didn't love me. He wanted to hurt me, to rip every last bit of self respect, self confidence, just plain self..  from my hands. He wanted me to crawl.. and he wanted to kick me in the teeth when he got tired of the game. He won, he is the undisputed champion of our relationship.. the winner takes it all.

Knowing now.. how cruel and cold he truly was towards me.. I can finally stop blaming, stop wondering, stop trying to finish the job of destroying myself that he began. Maybe I can actually allow myself to grieve and move on.. the man I loved never existed, and the man that despised me is not worth giving any part of myself to anymore.. not even hate.

Friday, March 2, 2012


I know there will come a time when I do not feel heartbroken, I wonder when that will be. The reality is, it has been over for  almost 9 months.. I could have baked a human being in this length of time.. But it sometimes feels like it happened yesterday.

 Now, most of the time, I am ok with this feeling of big hollow empty.. There are moments however, that the feeling is still overwhelming.

 I am ready.. I tell myself that anyway.. Ready to have my life back. Ready to laugh and dance and flirt and date and even have sex with someone that isn’t John. I know how toxic and abusive the relationship was, how horrible he ended it, how far down I allowed him to pull me. Not any of that matters to my heart.
I will never not love him, never, and that’s hard to deal with. How can you love a person that was so bad for you?

I know people that ended marriages of 10+ years around the same time John and I split, and they have moved on already. New relationships, new lives, in some cases new bodies as well. Here I sit. Yea, the body is certainly new (fatter counts as new right) but no new love affair, no new happy life.  I am still stuck in the depression, I am drowning in it. I had hoped that putting a little more distance between the break-up and my life now would make a difference. We left the condo, I attempted to leave the hate and pain and depression there, but it followed me to the apartment. I wake up every day in this bright and beautiful home I have created for my little family (there is nothing I can do for the outside, but inside our place it is so cheerful) yet my heart remains black and rotting.

I just don’t know if it will ever end. I have not ever been this destroyed by another person, so pathetic, so broken. That’s the word.. Broken.. I am broken. Can a person be put back together, like a battered cup? The cracks still show, everyone knows it was almost trash. Does that matter in the long run, really?

During the course of a discussion about this, it was brought to my attention that this was not the simple break-up of a 4 yr relationship. I have, in all actuality, been in love with John since I was 16. This was the destruction of a love affair spanning 22 yrs, the total and complete annihilation of my hopes, my dreams, everything I had ever wanted. Having a second chance at “us” was incredible, we would finally have the happily ever after we were supposed to have. Unfortunately, John used the second chance as a tool for revenge. In his eyes, it was his opportunity to abuse and be-little me, to push me as far into the dirt as he could, then walk away the winner.

There is not a day I do not pray for release from the pain I allowed him to inflict..yet I remain Broken. I have no words of wisdom, no sage advice on how to get over a break-up because I seem incapable of doing so myself.

All this heart-felt introspection is making me nauseous.. must get a grip.. and try harder next blog to not be so damned morose!