Baffled and disturbed..

I have been feeling terribly down on myself lately. I talk a good bullshit game, but it boils down to the simple fact that I feel totally inferior and mostly useless as a human being.

I have allowed my family to fall apart financially, forcing a move into sub-standard housing. I have wallowed in self pity to the point of not showering for days on end. My standards of parenting have dissolved into microwaved dinners at 7pm and homework as an afterthought. I force myself through the day, joy and laughter distant memories, all I really want to do is lie in bed and eat. I have gained weight (something I could not afford to do) my face has broken out horribly, and my toes have not been painted since before Halloween. I have fallen apart, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I know why, it doesn't matter, I simply can't seem to get myself out of this disaster.

I have dealt with depression before, most of us have to some extent. What terrifies me is the severity of the depression this time. Usually, a few days of ice cream, bubble bath, and a good cry pulls me right out of the funk. I have had MONTHS of this, letting my entire life fall to shit as I watch unconcerned. I am mired in the lies I was told, believing every hateful and cruel thing I heard him say I was. I KNOW I am worth something, I KNOW I am a beautiful, intelligent, open hearted, vibrant human being. Yet I have become the worthless, stupid, lazy, selfish, dull loser he saw me as.

This doesn't make any sense to me. Shouldn't that part of me have been left behind when he was? How could I possibly transform myself into this mess I see in the mirror? I am baffled and honestly more afraid than I have ever been. I have got to find the key to tearing myself from the crippling depression, there has to be a way to get my self and my life back.. right?

Some people..

I have been accused of writing in this blog about someone.. someone I thought was a friend.. and have been unfriended  because of it. Here's the deal.. If I am gonna talk about you, you are gonna KNOW it is you. If I say something and you just assume (because your ego is the size of a fuckin elephant) that I'm talking about you, read the whole damn story then decide if it's really you. The people in my last blog know EXACTLY who they are, and you sure as hell were not one of them. Not my problem if I hit upon some deep seated desires or fantasies or whatever.. it still wasn't about you. I know.. or thought I knew.. where we stood, guess I was wrong. To believe that any part of the blog was directed at you, smacks of narcissistic tendencies to the Nth degree.. something I find sad and rather creepy now. My respect for you has disappeared, and don't say hi when I show up to dance.. I am not there for you. You wanna be a dick and accuse me of something that didn't happen? There ya go.. enjoy your 2 seconds of the limelight Mr. "Rock Star".. now you ARE in my blog.

Pirates, Rock Stars, and the Clowns they play with..

I <3 Halloween.. more than Christmas, more than my birthday, more than any holiday ever. This year, with Halloween falling on Monday, there were multiple occasions to dress up throughout the weekend.. with the best reason falling on Saturday night. Going out to the club to hear my favorite local band, in costume, makes me happier than a bird with a french fry! Usually.

This year did not live up to my expectations, not even a little. The band was awesome, the club was packed, my friends were fabulous, and the weather was decent enough to warrant my tiny costume. So.. what's the problem? A pirate flinging mixed signals and a rock star with boundary issues would be the fly in my fantastic Halloween ointment.

Said pirate is a pro at the mixed signal game, flirty and hands-y and naughty.. then runs off like a puppy that piddled on the carpet the instant I show signs of reciprocating. Really? If I'm not your type, I'm totally ok being your friend cuteness.. but friends don't usually make motor boating references (unless you are Mo.. then all bets are off!) or behave in ways that say "I wanna have nasty dirty monkey sex with you until the sun comes up" I don't look like, or act like, the giggly little tramps that fawn all over you.. and maybe that's the problem. We can only hope that your penis is as big as your ego adorable one :)

Aforementioned rock star is also guilty of toying with my tingly parts.. ummmm.. not that way you perverts! Using a pretty little clown to satisfy your duplicitous needs is un-called for.. even if that clown loved every second of it. I know, and you know, that the behavior shown that night was due to some pent up desires, but it was still a bad idea and won't happen ever again. You are who you are, with everything that goes with that, and some tonsil hockey won't make it go away. In fact, it will just get me in trouble.. and not the fun kind of trouble either! So hands (lips and tongue too) off buddy boy!

I am curious.. why do these two men feel the desire to yank me around? I may have been a safe flirt when I was in a relationship.. but I am single now, and have no intentions of being some ego boosting "friend" for men I would rather just fuck. If we dance like that, touch like that, talk like that.. there had better be a happy ending to my night. Sure.. you are talented, and adorable, and manly.. now take off your pants or behave yourself. We can be friends, and you can act like a friend.. or we can have benefits and you can act like you wanna see me nekked.. choose one.

That got a little rant-y didn't it :)

Long story short.. if I can't have you, don't act like I can.. there are plenty of girls out there that will be happy to stroke your egos and expect nothing in return but a minute of your attention and maybe a picture to commemorate the event.. I am not that girl.