Not broken, just bent..

"We're not broken, just bent.. and we can learn to love again"

Those words reached inside me and touched the part of my heart that I had locked up tight. Was this true.. was I just bent after all.. and not the shattered mess I thought I was for so long? My heart said, quite clearly, that it was time to find out.

I whined for MONTHS about how I never got any attention from men.. but damned if the second I decided to date again that I wasn't fighting men off with a stick. There was a decent quantity of them, and for a minute I enjoyed the sound of my phone blowing up. From friends that had been waiting for YEARS to set me up, to an online dating site, I became a popular girl.

The quality, however, left much to be desired. Most of these guys never got past the first day of conversation. The few that did.. well.. we ALL know how those dates went (http://emily-coffeeandcigarettes.blogspot.com/2013/05/reasons-to-stay-single.html) There were a few other dates that didn't make my list, but let's just say they were almost as wonderfully magical as the top four. Then, I found a few good ones. Sweet, good guys I could talk to, and laugh with, have a coffee with no pressure.. one who even called just to sing me a song. All great guys, and not one made me feel what I was missing, although I tried.. there was just no 'it'.

 I took a chance on one in particular.. a smart assed guy that looked a little douche baggy and cocky.. THIS guy spoke to the tiny non-bitter part of me. Really? This was the one that made me feel that something.. hmm.. ok then.

Don't judge a book by it's cover. The guy opens my door, and holds my hand, and likes that I am kinda prissy. I shocked him by happily going to the junkyard with him, and not freaking out when he pulled me in for a kiss with his dirty hands. He shocked me with his terrible spelling and intelligent conversation.. he is a weird mix of bad boy and nerd.. and I like him.

He has the sweetest smile, and the saddest eyes, rough hands and rougher edges, he hold me so tight and makes me feel so wanted, so safe and beautiful.. I haven't had one moment of shyness or awkwardness with him. I get a little crazy when we text, because he is horrible at replying with more than 2 words or taking forever to reply at all.. but then he just calls and that makes me smile. This guy..

There are some obstacles, and that's ok. I'm willing to take this as slowly as I have to.. I think he's worth it. He doesn't always think he is, but I don't think I am either, we are just two bent people that can maybe lean on each other for a little while.

I guess I'm not broken after all, and even if this isn't the something special I'm looking for.. He makes me willing to at least give it a chance. I haven't felt this for so long, I forgot how wonderful it is.. fear and all.

 

Reasons to stay single..

Ugh. Is there really anything worse than getting back into the dating pool? It reminds you that not shaving your legs because the cat doesn't care if you are furry is a wonderful way to live.

Seriously, all the prep for a date is ridiculous.. even if you don't think sex will be involved. You shave, and pluck, and paint, and curl.. all to eat some food and chat. WTF? I can eat and talk in my sweats and a ponytail for craps sake. This however is not the reason for today's blog.. just random ranting before we get to..

The good stuff.

I have so far gone out with four men.. and I think maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead.

Let's start with the most recent.. sweet and funny and cute and young. We talked for a week, both through text and on the phone.. getting to know each other. He was adorable. Said the sweetest things, was smart and sarcastic, he would send me random texts throughout the day of shit to make me laugh. We met for coffee.. and it was awful. Awkward and weird.. no sign of the sparks we had before the face to face. Still, we tried to connect, talking and flirting. I walked him to his car, hug, then the kiss. Blah. If there has ever been a more terrible kiss I would LOVE to know about it, just so I could send sympathy to those involved. I wonder if this was his first kiss.. ever. There was a weird where do I put my hands thing, and several head tilts, before he came at me like a passive aggressive goldfish. He sent me a text later, and we had to agree that this was not something that either of us wanted to pursue.

Now, the one before him.. Tall, cute in a granola kind of way, younger by a bit, creative and sexy. This guy is so precious it almost hurts. We have discussed our baggage, our needs, our wants.. gone out a few times, he has such an old fashioned way about him. I like this one.. then he said something that freaked me out bad.. I'm not sure I can even type it out. Ugh.. ok.. here goes.. He was dropping me off after dinner, we were making out a little in the car, nothing too steamy but still decently warm.. he puts his head on my shoulder and whispers  into my ear.. I can't say it! It's just awful! No No No.. ok.. deep breath.. he called me Mommy. Said he wanted to be my baby boy and called me mommy. Gah. Needless to say.. we haven't talked much since that night. I know I should probably at least let him know why I have suddenly gotten so busy.. but eww.. the thought of the entire incident makes my skin crawl.

Guy before that one.. I think is a druggie.

The first guy. Ah.. I have written about him before. This guy is the one I wanted. We are making a half assed attempt at being friends.. but I think that's pretty much over. Smart, sexy, seriously cute, honest and sweet and I trust him.. even now. This is the guy I can be 100% open with. I knew going in that he was in love with someone else. I knew he wasn't going to fall in love with me. But.. then things got weird. Feelings got involved anyway. Then he bolted. Problem is, I can't compete with a chick that needs him. A sick girl at that. He has a martyr complex.. get's used and treated like crap and he prefers that. So I don't count, feelings don't matter, and I gotta move on.

I know that you have to wade through the muck that everyone surrounds themselves with in order to find that  real person.. but damn it's gotten nasty out there.

I'm not done yet, it's really early in the game, I just gotta put on my big girl panties and keep wading. Anyone got a pair of galoshes I can borrow?