Friday, March 2, 2012

Broken..


I know there will come a time when I do not feel heartbroken, I wonder when that will be. The reality is, it has been over for  almost 9 months.. I could have baked a human being in this length of time.. But it sometimes feels like it happened yesterday.

 Now, most of the time, I am ok with this feeling of big hollow empty.. There are moments however, that the feeling is still overwhelming.

 I am ready.. I tell myself that anyway.. Ready to have my life back. Ready to laugh and dance and flirt and date and even have sex with someone that isn’t John. I know how toxic and abusive the relationship was, how horrible he ended it, how far down I allowed him to pull me. Not any of that matters to my heart.
I will never not love him, never, and that’s hard to deal with. How can you love a person that was so bad for you?

I know people that ended marriages of 10+ years around the same time John and I split, and they have moved on already. New relationships, new lives, in some cases new bodies as well. Here I sit. Yea, the body is certainly new (fatter counts as new right) but no new love affair, no new happy life.  I am still stuck in the depression, I am drowning in it. I had hoped that putting a little more distance between the break-up and my life now would make a difference. We left the condo, I attempted to leave the hate and pain and depression there, but it followed me to the apartment. I wake up every day in this bright and beautiful home I have created for my little family (there is nothing I can do for the outside, but inside our place it is so cheerful) yet my heart remains black and rotting.

I just don’t know if it will ever end. I have not ever been this destroyed by another person, so pathetic, so broken. That’s the word.. Broken.. I am broken. Can a person be put back together, like a battered cup? The cracks still show, everyone knows it was almost trash. Does that matter in the long run, really?

During the course of a discussion about this, it was brought to my attention that this was not the simple break-up of a 4 yr relationship. I have, in all actuality, been in love with John since I was 16. This was the destruction of a love affair spanning 22 yrs, the total and complete annihilation of my hopes, my dreams, everything I had ever wanted. Having a second chance at “us” was incredible, we would finally have the happily ever after we were supposed to have. Unfortunately, John used the second chance as a tool for revenge. In his eyes, it was his opportunity to abuse and be-little me, to push me as far into the dirt as he could, then walk away the winner.

There is not a day I do not pray for release from the pain I allowed him to inflict..yet I remain Broken. I have no words of wisdom, no sage advice on how to get over a break-up because I seem incapable of doing so myself.

All this heart-felt introspection is making me nauseous.. must get a grip.. and try harder next blog to not be so damned morose!

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