Settling.. we have all done it at one point in time or another. We have accepted mashed potatoes instead of baked, bought the black heels because they didn't have them in red, or watched a reality show re-run when our favorite show is preempted by weather coverage. We also can settle in our romantic relationships, and not even realize it.
Every woman has a list in her head, usually one that has remained virtually unchanged since her early teens, of what it takes to be our "perfect" mate. My list, when I was 15: tall, long hair, blue eyes, cute butt, hairy chest, smart, sweet, funny, honest, open, exciting, romantic, someone I could share my life with. The physical qualities were a direct result of the first boy I loved, however, the men in my life have run the gamut from thin, bald and a few inches taller than myself, to heavy, dark eyed and almost a foot taller. The rest of my list has remained the same though, with a few additions, over the years.
How can we know if we have settled?
Look at the man you are involved with. With naked honesty, really look at him. Do you still find him physically appealing? Can you not wait to run your hands over his chest or back or butt? Do you still get that little shiver when you imagine being intimate with him? No.. then you have settled. Yes.. let's move on.
We all know that sex plays a powerful role in any relationship. Many a relationship that looked perfect on paper has been felled by bad sex. Let's take a peek under the covers and see what kind of action you have going on there. Have you told him what you like, and has he made an effort to do those things? (the key here is you being honest and telling him, if you haven't done that, he really can't be blamed) Conversely, have you told him what you don't like and has he made an effort to not push for those acts? Does he approach sex as an emotional and intimate act? Can he give and not receive on occasion? In short, is sex with you an act of love and closeness, with each partner having their needs met, more often than not? Here's a tip ladies, if the sex feels disconnected and anonymous, then it is not good relationship sex. If your lover doesn't kiss you, or hold you, or look into your eyes on a regular basis, then in his mind, you could be anyone. Good sex.. no.. you have settled. Good sex.. yes.. then we continue.
Now it's time to move into the insides of your guy. Find that list in your head, and really focus on the important details, the things that haven't changed. Does he know what is important to you? Your dreams, wants, hopes? Do you share a passion for anything, like books or music or animals? Is he honest with you about his life? Are there shared goals, common ground? Does he lift you up, offering a hand when you fall? Do you feel loved, wanted, needed, and important to him? Does he say, and show, that he loves you every day? Can he make you laugh, and does he try to? Can you honestly answer that, yes, he firmly fits the most basic needs and desires expressed in your list? No.. you have completely settled. Yes.. then there is more.
Before I go on, let me address those of you that have decided you settled. My grandparents (on my dad's side) had nothing in common, they lived almost completely separate lives throughout their entire marriage. Anyone meeting them would never ever guess the person each was married to. I remember my nonny hiding in the bathroom to smoke cigarettes, because grandad believed women that smoked were trashy. My grandad would hide his checkbook, because nonny was a saver and believed that anyone that gave money away was just asking to go to the poorhouse. There was no common ground in the raising of their kids, or politics, or even what kind of car they drove. Yet, they loved and respected each other. Nonny knew she had settled, so did grandad, but they were married for almost 50 years before he passed away. It was a good marriage, and a good life for them both, even though it should have been hell. Compromise was the key. He knew she smoked in the bathroom, he pretended he didn't and she wouldn't fall into his "trashy" category. She knew he gave money away, she pretended she didn't and could remain confident that they were financially stable. They each gave the other what they needed, sometimes in a round-about way, because they loved each other. My grandad never left the house without a kiss and an "I love you" to nonny, and they never went to bed and turned their backs to each other.
So before you decide to pack up and leave the man you settled for, in search of the man that fits your criteria, ask yourself if there is love and respect there first. If there is, then you haven't really settled.
There are some warning signs to watch out for, regardless of how well your man fits into your list. Any kind of abuse is a deal breaker, be it physical or mental. Yes, if he says you are stupid or ugly or lazy, if he calls you a bitch or whore, if he blames you for his faults and shortcomings, that is abuse. Does he withhold affection, take back promises, or make you work for his attention? Does he cheat, or make you believe he is cheating in order to get you to do things you don't want? Doe he make decisions based solely on his wants, treat you like a servant or a one night stand, or use the word "I" instead of "We" almost entirely, then it you should go. He will never be what you want or need, and to stay would be the worst sort of settling.
In the end, it's simple to tell if you are settling. Do you feel good in the relationship? Can you be yourself with him and know that you are accepted? Do you want him to feel the same way? If you can say yes, then you haven't settled. If you can't.. then you have and must make some hard decisions.
For the record.. I settled. I am paying for it now.
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