Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Good for you.. good for me..

I have a dilemma, one that shakes my foundation of good sex with no strings, and I am rather annoyed with myself for the mess I am making. 

It started innocently enough. Cute young guy is interested in me, added bonus.. I am interested back. We talk, we decide on dinner and see what happens. What happens turned into take me right here now, and do it again tomorrow as well. No problem. He's not a keeper, he's too young and into someone else.. no strings! Finally. 

We don't talk quite as much. He seems ready to make some kind of gesture to this other girl. Wait, I'm not ready yet. If nothing else, I like talking to him.. and kinda miss not doing that. He is the first guy I have been open with in a really long time. We are sort of friends.. and even though I know this isn't anything other than a fling I have discovered that I like knowing he is around. 

Yesterday I was feeling tender (girl stuff and this damn project I am working on) and I got a one-two punch that, quite frankly, has me reeling a bit. After hardly talking, up pops a text asking if I know where to get a gift box for jewelry, like a necklace or a ring. Umm.. why would you ask your side chick where to find something for your real girl? I do have feelings, even if I try to hide them.. I have shown that. So ok, boundaries have been re-established. Move on. I found myself in a weird place, I needed to talk and just connect with someone. I reached out to him. My mistake. After a barrage of 3 and 4 word texts, he didn't even bother to acknowledge the ones that meant something, the ones I needed him to see and understand. 

Well. I guess I realize that my whole no strings thing comes with strings.. they just happen to be attached to me. If he were to show up today and tell me that he wanted more, I would turn him away.. but maybe part of me wanted to mean something anyway. 

I spent a great deal of time in my last relationship trying to mean something to someone. I thought I was past that. 

Maybe we never really break our patterns, regardless of the context of our interactions. Maybe we are always going to find ourselves taking the same emotional steps in our friendships, our hook ups, and our relationships. 

I want to be wanted. Even if I don't want you. I want you think about me, with a smile or a sigh or a tingle. I want you to want me.. and I guess it will always be that way.

Can I realistically expect a sexual relationship to have no consequences? When this is over, and we don't talk anymore, when he is home with his real girl and his real life and his real feelings, am I going to be sad because I really only ever meant sex and fun and distraction from those things?

Probably. Not because I want to be the girl, but because I want to think that I am not easily set aside or forgotten. My image of myself is highly over-inflated, I think I am the greatest thing ever.. and when I find out how simple it is for some people to walk away and never think of me again, my ego is bruised.

I am not in danger of heartbreak, but I am in danger of a battered ego.. which may be worse. 

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