Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Isn't good enough..

I tend to be a little.. intense.. emotionally. When I decide that you are important to me, you get all of me. Every emotion and fear, every tiny bit of my heart goes to you. It's not a good plan, but that's just how it goes.. I have zero control over it. I don't allow you to go in blindly however, I do warn you.. every time. Yet it never fails, with all the warnings and danger signs, I am allowed to get close and the instant my intensity kicks in you freak out and bolt.. straight out of my life.

Fuck you.

I told you. I gave you every chance to get out before I started to give a shit. You didn't go. You continued to say you wanted me, continued to promise you were not going anywhere, continued to make me fall for you. You don't get to tell me you are "absolutely and unequivocally in love with" me and then disappear. That's so fucked up. You didn't have to tell me that. Why did you say those words? You don't get to allude to important things you want me to hear from your mouth, and then never call. You don't get to promise me a future, a life, and then just go away. No explanation, no anything but unanswered calls and ignored texts. How can you do that to a person? A person you claim to be in love with.

Yea, things moved quickly. That's ok. We have this connection, this amazing and brilliant connection straight from our hearts, minds.. in all my life I never felt anything so fantastic. I stand in amazement when I think of how honestly made for each other we are. Yet, you have gone, I didn't even get a goodbye.

Did I go completely bat shit crazy? Absolutely!

I warned you. You knew. I told you that if you scared me, I was gonna lose my shit all over the place. I did. You made promises you didn't keep, plans you bailed on. You said things about OUR future, blending my family and yours, calling us YOUR four girls. Then you don't call. You let me start to freak out. You still don't call. You let me really lose it. You let me question my worth, hell, you encourage it. As I start to fall into the abyss of doubt and fear, you do nothing to alleviate my pending madness. It wouldn't have taken much, you only had to let me know you were there. You refused. You continue to refuse. You are content to let my heart shatter, my dreams dissolve, my world tilt until I am clinging to the barest edge. You refuse to save me from myself.

True, I should have been more reserved. You wouldn't let me be. I wanted to go slow and honest and be real, you started the deep stuff. You set me on this path, swearing that you were right there holding my hand. When did you decide to let go? We swore that we would let this be awesome. You lied.

I cast not assumptions upon your character, make no allusions to the man you are. I see you still as a bright and shining human, full of intelligence and laughter.. brimming with love and tenderness, noble and good. I do not see myself in that same light. How, if the man so tailor made for me does not see my worth as a partner, is anyone ever going to? I am good, I am honest, I love with every bit of my being. I would give you the world on a silver platter, the shirt off my back, the moon if you wanted it.. yet you are running and I am lost.

For a moment, you were mine. More importantly, I was yours.. I belonged to someone so wonderful, I should have known it was only for the blink of an eye.

I have no confidence in my ability to be loved by someone, I am well acquainted with being used.. but not loved. Did you use me too? To what end I wonder, or are you simply afraid of me loving you? I'll never know the answer, I'll never see your bright blue eyes smiling at me.. or the look of wonder when we are alone. You wanted to be my last first.. but you can be my last last instead. My last attempt to be loved, my last attempt to be complete, my last moment of allowing someone to reach my heart. You can not have my heart, it is empty and useless, but you had it full and beautiful in your hands.. and you threw it away without a thought.

I  miss you Nate.. I miss you so much.

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