But Why..

Every one of us has been rejected. Not just by lovers, but by employers, credit cards, banks, friends, some people are rejected by their families or kids. My point is, no one is immune to rejection. Our first thought upon being turned away is.. "But why?"

Most of the time, you never get an answer to that question. True, the bank or credit card company can and will give you an iron clad reason that you have not been accepted, but not so much when you are dealing with actual people face to face.

Human beings tend to color the actual truth with their own biases and experiences. Each of us sees things a little differently than the rest of the world. This is not a new concept, it has been dissected and analyzed by better minds than mine, but it is still a valid and ongoing observation. For instance:

When my relationship ended, rather abruptly I might add, I asked "But why?" I got an answer. Well, I got the answer he wanted me to have anyway. He had, in his mind, created this scenario in which I was the villain and he was my unwitting victim. He tossed out accusations that I knew to be untrue because they were things I know I didn't physically do, such as cheating, as well as theories that I couldn't absolutely refute because they were more abstract and dealt with feelings or tone, such as mocking him. I know what I meant when I said something, yet he heard something completely different. In my opinion, he heard what he wanted to hear, but the fact remains that what I said was not what he perceived. His version of the truth was tailor made by him to put me in a bad light, therefore allowing him to leave me for another woman with no guilt or remorse. Was it the actual truth? Not exactly. However, my version of how things happened was totally skewed the other way, with me being the long-suffering martyr and him being the lying douche bag. Anyone watching from the outside had their own view of what the truth was as well, depending on which of us they were loyal to. So the "But why?" became a moot point, because there was no concrete reason or absolute proof for the decision.

Or

My best friend and I recently had a falling out. We are no longer friends. When I saw things were going wrong, I asked "But why?" Her response was, naturally, completely out of sync with my view of our friendship. Again, her accusations and statements of fact were laced with untruths, but because she felt the need to justify her behavior, these lies had to become truths. I saw myself as her secret keeper and head cheerleader, never judging her or calling her to task for the stupid things she did, being her shoulder to cry on and her sympathetic ear. She viewed those same actions as conniving and manipulative, and convinced herself that I was not a friend but someone that used her. The "But why?" was again not answered satisfactorily because it was not based on fact but on perception and appearances. 

Or

I interviewed for a job recently. I was qualified, my resume said so. My "girl suit" was clean and ironed, my hair professional and my nails french tipped. I went in feeling on top of my game, personable and knowledgeable, smart and approachable. I believed the interview went well, we chatted, we smiled, we even laughed. I left the interview feeling confident that the job was mine. It wasn't. As with most failed interviews, there was no reason given for not being chosen, just a thank you for your interest but we have gone with someone else. So, when I ran into a friend of the woman I interviewed with, I asked "But why?" The reasons (according to her friend) she did not recommend me for a position in the company were all personal. I wore a red top under my brown suit, a color combination she is not fond of. I spoke using "big words" so she assumed I was talking down to her. Finally, because I was well dressed, she didn't think I really needed the job. Yep, I didn't get the job because she didn't like my color choices, was able to talk about the job using common industry lingo, and appeared too well dressed to need a job. In this instance, my "But why?" was answered with stupidity.

All these examples show how people can see the exact same relationships and interactions in completely different ways. My rejection was based on personal bias and a desire to show a different face to the world. 

Everyone wants to be seen as a good and decent person. That's why we all create our own truths, our own answers to the "But why?" We must find the things we value most, and then build our version of the truth to fit the person we want the world to see. No guy goes around telling people he dumped his live in girlfriend because he was cheating, no friend says they threw away a friendship because she wanted to cause drama, no employer is going to tell anyone that they didn't get the job because that person wasn't a slob. Everyone is going to present an answer that benefits them, and in reality, one that puts the rejected person in a position of  undesirability. 

Asking "But why?" in the context of human interaction is a useless and discouraging endeavor, you will not get the closure you are seeking. In fact, you will most likely walk away with more questions. As difficult as it may be, because we are curious by nature, your best option is to accept the rejection and walk away. The answer to the "But why?" is never going to mesh with your truth anyway.

Coffee for one..

As I was thinking about this blog, I realized that although I have several topics in the works, I haven't actually posted anything in a few months. Where does the time go? Ah well.

Today being Valentine's Day, I have noticed the huge number of single people out there over 30 (many of us pushing 40 if we are gonna be honest). It wasn't always like this people. I remember growing up with a single parent, thinking our little family was so different from my friends families. Even my best friend's gay mom had a life partner. My mom was the only grown up I knew that went on dates, went to the gym, and wore stiletto heels. Every other adult I had any contact with was married, most of them since their early 20s.

 I didn't want to be a single anything, so I got married and had a baby. That's all I wanted to do. Then, I got divorced and have been more single than not ever since. I did try though, I tried to be a couple, tried to be the little suzy housewife I saw all around me as a child. I didn't want my kids to grow up without two parents. Single life, to me, was not "normal".

 We all paired up, but so many of us are walking the single path today. Out of the 100+ people I know, roughly 75 are single right this second.

Maybe divorce was too easy, or we got married for the wrong reasons. Maybe we just make BAD choices in who we chose to marry. It's a proven statistical fact that there are more single people today over the age of 35 than there have ever been. EVER!

We are single. Why? My mom was single because she preferred to be. My dad died and the two other love affairs she had ended badly, so she stayed out of relationships. She raised my brother and I, and that was that. Mom dated, and had an active social life, but there was no man in her life for any length of time. That was then.

 Today the biggest hurdle we face as single adults is unrealistic expectations about the person we want to share our lives. Men want (insert name of 20 yr old famous girl here) with boobies. Women want (insert name 40 yr old famous guy here) but ten years younger.We are single because we have become so focused on the superficial that we don't take the time to find the substance. Everyone wants someone young, rich, and hot. No 21yr old heiress/heir is gonna show up at Antique's or Gasoline Alley and beg you to whisk them away in your 2008 Honda to your two bedroom apartment off Powers.They aren't going to offer to take you in their concept model sports car to their condo in Aspen either, it doesn't work that way.

I don't really enjoy being single. I don't want to get married, or even live with someone, but I am good at relationships and I miss that connection with another adult. Ok.. I miss sex too. I really miss sex. My point is, I prefer to be a part of a couple, I am happiest that way. The men in my age range however, are looking for my daughter (she is 20) not for me, and I just don't think I could be a successful cougar. 

Until we all start looking for that someone who really exists, the guy or girl that will happily do laundry with you or bring you soup when you are sick, we are doomed to remain single. Let's face it, no one really wants to be alone when they are 80.

Happy Saturnalia Everyone!

It's that time of year again! Yep.. time to argue about "keeping Christ in Christmas" and forcing schools to call it "winter" break. Ah, the scent of righteous anger is in the air!  Here's the deal folks.. shocking as it may be.. not all religions are christian religions, and LOTS of religions are older than Christianity. I know, I was floored myself when I was told! Deep breaths people.. deep breaths. Better now? Good.. let's continue.

As difficult as it is to believe, Christmas is not exactly the calm and holy day you believe it to be. It began as a day of murder, drunkenness, cannibalism, and outright debauchery:  Roman pagans first introduced the holiday of Saturnalia, a week long period of lawlessness celebrated between December 17-25.  During this period, Roman courts were closed (just like our own court system), and Roman law dictated that no one could be punished for damaging property or injuring people during the week long celebration.  The festival began when Roman authorities chose “an enemy of the Roman people” to represent the “Lord of Misrule.”  Each Roman community selected a victim whom they forced to indulge in food and other physical pleasures throughout the week.  At the festival’s conclusion, December 25, Roman authorities believed they were destroying the forces of darkness by brutally murdering this innocent man or woman. In addition to human sacrifice, Lucian (in his dialogue entitled Saturnalia) mentions these customs: widespread intoxication (Eggnog); going from house to house while singing naked (Caroling perhaps?); rape and other sexual license; and consuming human-shaped biscuits (can you say Gingerbread Men?). In the 4th century CE, Christianity imported the Saturnalia festival hoping to take the pagan masses in with it.  Christian leaders succeeded in converting to Christianity large numbers of pagans by promising them that they could continue to celebrate the Saturnalia as Christians.  The problem was that there was nothing intrinsically Christian about Saturnalia (Gee, ya think?). To remedy this, Christian leaders named Saturnalia’s concluding day, December 25, to be Jesus’ birthday.

Over the centuries these events have been wiped away, replaced with sweet and endearing stories of miracles to guide Christians to total Christmas/Jesus acceptance. We accept it, hook, line, and sinker. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy, it encourages us to be better people (for a few days anyway), it makes for great PR, and it gives us something to fight over (in true Saturnalia form).

 Happy Holidays seems much easier than Merry (Ashura  - Islam   Saint Nicholas Day - Christian   Bodhi Day(Rohatsu)  - Buddhism   Immaculate Conception - Catholic Christian   Feast day - Our Lady of Guadalupe - Catholic Christian   Posadas Navidenas through Dec. 25 - Christian   Hanukkah - Jewish  Solstice Yule - Christian   Yule - Wicca/Pagan northern hemisphere Litha - Wicca/Pagan  southern hemisphere   Christmas Eve - Christian   Christmas - Christian   Feast of the Nativity - Orthodox Christian   Zarathosht Diso (Death of Prophet Zarathushtra) - Zoroastrian   Saint Stephen, Deacon and Martyr - Christian   Holy Innocents - Christian   Feast of the Holy Family - Catholic Christian    Watch Night - Christian) Day.. but that's just me.

Remember, for every time YOU feel slighted or angered by someone not telling you "Merry Christmas".. there are a TON of people you are pissing off every time you say those words to them.

Baffled and disturbed..

I have been feeling terribly down on myself lately. I talk a good bullshit game, but it boils down to the simple fact that I feel totally inferior and mostly useless as a human being.

I have allowed my family to fall apart financially, forcing a move into sub-standard housing. I have wallowed in self pity to the point of not showering for days on end. My standards of parenting have dissolved into microwaved dinners at 7pm and homework as an afterthought. I force myself through the day, joy and laughter distant memories, all I really want to do is lie in bed and eat. I have gained weight (something I could not afford to do) my face has broken out horribly, and my toes have not been painted since before Halloween. I have fallen apart, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I know why, it doesn't matter, I simply can't seem to get myself out of this disaster.

I have dealt with depression before, most of us have to some extent. What terrifies me is the severity of the depression this time. Usually, a few days of ice cream, bubble bath, and a good cry pulls me right out of the funk. I have had MONTHS of this, letting my entire life fall to shit as I watch unconcerned. I am mired in the lies I was told, believing every hateful and cruel thing I heard him say I was. I KNOW I am worth something, I KNOW I am a beautiful, intelligent, open hearted, vibrant human being. Yet I have become the worthless, stupid, lazy, selfish, dull loser he saw me as.

This doesn't make any sense to me. Shouldn't that part of me have been left behind when he was? How could I possibly transform myself into this mess I see in the mirror? I am baffled and honestly more afraid than I have ever been. I have got to find the key to tearing myself from the crippling depression, there has to be a way to get my self and my life back.. right?

Some people..

I have been accused of writing in this blog about someone.. someone I thought was a friend.. and have been unfriended  because of it. Here's the deal.. If I am gonna talk about you, you are gonna KNOW it is you. If I say something and you just assume (because your ego is the size of a fuckin elephant) that I'm talking about you, read the whole damn story then decide if it's really you. The people in my last blog know EXACTLY who they are, and you sure as hell were not one of them. Not my problem if I hit upon some deep seated desires or fantasies or whatever.. it still wasn't about you. I know.. or thought I knew.. where we stood, guess I was wrong. To believe that any part of the blog was directed at you, smacks of narcissistic tendencies to the Nth degree.. something I find sad and rather creepy now. My respect for you has disappeared, and don't say hi when I show up to dance.. I am not there for you. You wanna be a dick and accuse me of something that didn't happen? There ya go.. enjoy your 2 seconds of the limelight Mr. "Rock Star".. now you ARE in my blog.

Pirates, Rock Stars, and the Clowns they play with..

I <3 Halloween.. more than Christmas, more than my birthday, more than any holiday ever. This year, with Halloween falling on Monday, there were multiple occasions to dress up throughout the weekend.. with the best reason falling on Saturday night. Going out to the club to hear my favorite local band, in costume, makes me happier than a bird with a french fry! Usually.

This year did not live up to my expectations, not even a little. The band was awesome, the club was packed, my friends were fabulous, and the weather was decent enough to warrant my tiny costume. So.. what's the problem? A pirate flinging mixed signals and a rock star with boundary issues would be the fly in my fantastic Halloween ointment.

Said pirate is a pro at the mixed signal game, flirty and hands-y and naughty.. then runs off like a puppy that piddled on the carpet the instant I show signs of reciprocating. Really? If I'm not your type, I'm totally ok being your friend cuteness.. but friends don't usually make motor boating references (unless you are Mo.. then all bets are off!) or behave in ways that say "I wanna have nasty dirty monkey sex with you until the sun comes up" I don't look like, or act like, the giggly little tramps that fawn all over you.. and maybe that's the problem. We can only hope that your penis is as big as your ego adorable one :)

Aforementioned rock star is also guilty of toying with my tingly parts.. ummmm.. not that way you perverts! Using a pretty little clown to satisfy your duplicitous needs is un-called for.. even if that clown loved every second of it. I know, and you know, that the behavior shown that night was due to some pent up desires, but it was still a bad idea and won't happen ever again. You are who you are, with everything that goes with that, and some tonsil hockey won't make it go away. In fact, it will just get me in trouble.. and not the fun kind of trouble either! So hands (lips and tongue too) off buddy boy!

I am curious.. why do these two men feel the desire to yank me around? I may have been a safe flirt when I was in a relationship.. but I am single now, and have no intentions of being some ego boosting "friend" for men I would rather just fuck. If we dance like that, touch like that, talk like that.. there had better be a happy ending to my night. Sure.. you are talented, and adorable, and manly.. now take off your pants or behave yourself. We can be friends, and you can act like a friend.. or we can have benefits and you can act like you wanna see me nekked.. choose one.

That got a little rant-y didn't it :)

Long story short.. if I can't have you, don't act like I can.. there are plenty of girls out there that will be happy to stroke your egos and expect nothing in return but a minute of your attention and maybe a picture to commemorate the event.. I am not that girl.

Can't touch this..

Why do women fall all over themselves for the unavailable guy? You know the one I'm talking about.. the happily married man, or unhappily divorced, the guy still dragging around all the garbage from his last girlfriend. The physically unavailable men are an easy answer, we all want what we can't have.. and most of us are content with harmless flirting with that guy. It's the emotionally unavailable ones that get our knickers in a twist.. the hottie firmly ensconced in the past, pining for the girl that got away.

 Do we want to prove our womanly prowess by getting him over her, or do we intend to "fix" him and make him happy in spite of the "other woman" that holds his heart? Maybe it's something deeper, something in ourselves that needs to be remedied instead.

I have a horrible habit of going for the unavailable man.. one whiff of "can't touch this" and I am all over it. After  an ungodly amount of time spent chasing someone else's dream, I finally figured out why I do it. After my very first relationship ended, I was left with a impenetrable belief that I was not worthy of being important. I did not matter to him, therefore I was never going to matter to any man at all. I began to seek out the guys that were guaranteed to treat me exactly that way. I didn't realize how bad it had become until I found myself involved with that first love again.. when he walked away for another woman it hit me.

 I deserve more than I have ever allowed myself to have, I deserve love and loyalty, I deserve to be number 1 on his priority list, I deserve to receive the same passion and attention as I give any man lucky enough to have me. I am trying to stay away from the unavailable men, had one slip-up but thankfully he was a good guy and we are sort of friends instead. Now actually making an effort to go for a single hottie, we will see where that takes me huh?!

One thing is certain, I will never settle for being less than a fuckin princess in the eyes of any guy again.. and that's a great feeling!