Truth.. (original post date 5/23/11)

  I believe in TRUTH, no matter how much it sucks, although I won't tell someone the truth for the sole purpose of hurting them. I also believe in the Silver Lining, an eternal optimist to the nth degree. Sometimes these two ideals don't play well together, to that end Silver Lining wins every time. I have been accused of not believing in truth, of twisting it to fit my own agenda or to protect my perception of myself. To that I say bullshit! My biggest flaw may be to hide truth from one person in order to help another, or to keep someone else from being hurt. In those instances, it is the Silver Lining part of me that is in control. Yea, I guess maybe the hard truth usually comes in second now that I see some of this is print.

  My point in all this is that there will be blogs telling the blunt and bare faced truth, and blogs that tell the truth colored by my optimism, it is up to you to decide how you see your truths in my words. I'm not writing to change your mind, or to force my truths on you. I am writing to express and share those things that make me think, that make me believe, that are the very me-ness of me.

  Somewhere in this hot mess of a mind there is a desire to write, to make my mark with the words I have always adored, to enable someone else to find the same solace and joy the written word has brought to me. I have to clear out the selfish desire to have an army of people that hang on my every word, the tendency to rant and rave about the things I am most passionate about, and find my inner poet. That voice in my heart that allows me to put hand to keyboard and turn the passion and need into something beautiful.

  I may never progress past this blog, sharing my mind with the few that will find me in an ocean of other bloggers. Sad to think, but still a possibility I am faced with. However, it is my hope that even if you are the sole reader of my words, maybe there will be something in them to touch you, to make you think, to believe, to talk about at the dinner table.

Moving Day..

I am shifting a few posts from my other blog.. enjoy!

Winner take all..

I try to keep this blog and my "hate" blog completely separate.. but recent events determined the need for a cross-over. My last blog, melodramatic as it was, seemed to be a turning point for me. Finally.. maybe.. I certainly hope so.. because if I am not sitting upon the cusp of an emotional break-through, then I am teetering off the edge of a mental break-down.

Over the past 10 months, I have not cried.. I have not mourned the death of my relationship.. I have turned a blind eye and deaf ear to the internal hell I have been suffering. I have bitched, I have complained, I have riled against the fates.. but I have in no way opened the door, not even a crack, on the devastation my id has been dealt. The id has kicked that door open. Completely. I am crying.. the things that I avoided to protect myself have found their way to me instead.. I am raw and exposed.

The boot that kicked in the door was music.. and fiction.

While watching a television show, I was faced with this song:

Which started the tears.. I have come to realize that no matter how horrible the man was that he became, the boy I fell in love with would always hold my heart. I loved the man that boy should have been. The fact that he failed, that he was not able to live up to the potential within him, is something I have to live with. I expected him to be something he was incapable of being.. and for that I apologize. I never loved the man he really was, I loathe that man in fact, but the fault lies not with him being incomplete.. but with my knack of overlooking that simple fact. I will always love John Chidester.. the idea and the dream of what he could have been.

The second fictional life and song.. hit too close to home:

. In the game of "us".. John won. He got everything.. and I was left standing with not a shred of anything. I had hoped that in the grand scheme of things.. I would come out the winner.. but the world doesn't work that way. He drew first blood, he won. He walked away with not a scar, not a tear, only laughter.. because it was only ever a game to him in the first place. I have come to understand.. I was not the prize to be won.. but the competitor to be vanquished. The relationship we had was nothing more than an extended battle, the  trophy was my begging him to stay with me.. my terror at watching him leave.. my tear stained face looking at him, and him laughing back at me. I couldn't understand.. couldn't begin to fathom.. how can a person look at the one they swore to love, and laugh at their desperation? He didn't love me. He wanted to hurt me, to rip every last bit of self respect, self confidence, just plain self..  from my hands. He wanted me to crawl.. and he wanted to kick me in the teeth when he got tired of the game. He won, he is the undisputed champion of our relationship.. the winner takes it all.


Knowing now.. how cruel and cold he truly was towards me.. I can finally stop blaming, stop wondering, stop trying to finish the job of destroying myself that he began. Maybe I can actually allow myself to grieve and move on.. the man I loved never existed, and the man that despised me is not worth giving any part of myself to anymore.. not even hate.

Broken..

I know there will come a time when I do not feel heartbroken, I wonder when that will be. The reality is, it has been over for  almost 9 months.. I could have baked a human being in this length of time.. But it sometimes feels like it happened yesterday.

 Now, most of the time, I am ok with this feeling of big hollow empty.. There are moments however, that the feeling is still overwhelming.

 I am ready.. I tell myself that anyway.. Ready to have my life back. Ready to laugh and dance and flirt and date and even have sex with someone that isn’t John. I know how toxic and abusive the relationship was, how horrible he ended it, how far down I allowed him to pull me. Not any of that matters to my heart.
I will never not love him, never, and that’s hard to deal with. How can you love a person that was so bad for you?

I know people that ended marriages of 10+ years around the same time John and I split, and they have moved on already. New relationships, new lives, in some cases new bodies as well. Here I sit. Yea, the body is certainly new (fatter counts as new right) but no new love affair, no new happy life.  I am still stuck in the depression, I am drowning in it. I had hoped that putting a little more distance between the break-up and my life now would make a difference. We left the condo, I attempted to leave the hate and pain and depression there, but it followed me to the apartment. I wake up every day in this bright and beautiful home I have created for my little family (there is nothing I can do for the outside, but inside our place it is so cheerful) yet my heart remains black and rotting.

I just don’t know if it will ever end. I have not ever been this destroyed by another person, so pathetic, so broken. That’s the word.. Broken.. I am broken. Can a person be put back together, like a battered cup? The cracks still show, everyone knows it was almost trash. Does that matter in the long run, really?

During the course of a discussion about this, it was brought to my attention that this was not the simple break-up of a 4 yr relationship. I have, in all actuality, been in love with John since I was 16. This was the destruction of a love affair spanning 22 yrs, the total and complete annihilation of my hopes, my dreams, everything I had ever wanted. Having a second chance at “us” was incredible, we would finally have the happily ever after we were supposed to have. Unfortunately, John used the second chance as a tool for revenge. In his eyes, it was his opportunity to abuse and be-little me, to push me as far into the dirt as he could, then walk away the winner.

There is not a day I do not pray for release from the pain I allowed him to inflict..yet I remain Broken. I have no words of wisdom, no sage advice on how to get over a break-up because I seem incapable of doing so myself.

All this heart-felt introspection is making me nauseous.. must get a grip.. and try harder next blog to not be so damned morose!

But Why..

Every one of us has been rejected. Not just by lovers, but by employers, credit cards, banks, friends, some people are rejected by their families or kids. My point is, no one is immune to rejection. Our first thought upon being turned away is.. "But why?"

Most of the time, you never get an answer to that question. True, the bank or credit card company can and will give you an iron clad reason that you have not been accepted, but not so much when you are dealing with actual people face to face.

Human beings tend to color the actual truth with their own biases and experiences. Each of us sees things a little differently than the rest of the world. This is not a new concept, it has been dissected and analyzed by better minds than mine, but it is still a valid and ongoing observation. For instance:

When my relationship ended, rather abruptly I might add, I asked "But why?" I got an answer. Well, I got the answer he wanted me to have anyway. He had, in his mind, created this scenario in which I was the villain and he was my unwitting victim. He tossed out accusations that I knew to be untrue because they were things I know I didn't physically do, such as cheating, as well as theories that I couldn't absolutely refute because they were more abstract and dealt with feelings or tone, such as mocking him. I know what I meant when I said something, yet he heard something completely different. In my opinion, he heard what he wanted to hear, but the fact remains that what I said was not what he perceived. His version of the truth was tailor made by him to put me in a bad light, therefore allowing him to leave me for another woman with no guilt or remorse. Was it the actual truth? Not exactly. However, my version of how things happened was totally skewed the other way, with me being the long-suffering martyr and him being the lying douche bag. Anyone watching from the outside had their own view of what the truth was as well, depending on which of us they were loyal to. So the "But why?" became a moot point, because there was no concrete reason or absolute proof for the decision.

Or

My best friend and I recently had a falling out. We are no longer friends. When I saw things were going wrong, I asked "But why?" Her response was, naturally, completely out of sync with my view of our friendship. Again, her accusations and statements of fact were laced with untruths, but because she felt the need to justify her behavior, these lies had to become truths. I saw myself as her secret keeper and head cheerleader, never judging her or calling her to task for the stupid things she did, being her shoulder to cry on and her sympathetic ear. She viewed those same actions as conniving and manipulative, and convinced herself that I was not a friend but someone that used her. The "But why?" was again not answered satisfactorily because it was not based on fact but on perception and appearances. 

Or

I interviewed for a job recently. I was qualified, my resume said so. My "girl suit" was clean and ironed, my hair professional and my nails french tipped. I went in feeling on top of my game, personable and knowledgeable, smart and approachable. I believed the interview went well, we chatted, we smiled, we even laughed. I left the interview feeling confident that the job was mine. It wasn't. As with most failed interviews, there was no reason given for not being chosen, just a thank you for your interest but we have gone with someone else. So, when I ran into a friend of the woman I interviewed with, I asked "But why?" The reasons (according to her friend) she did not recommend me for a position in the company were all personal. I wore a red top under my brown suit, a color combination she is not fond of. I spoke using "big words" so she assumed I was talking down to her. Finally, because I was well dressed, she didn't think I really needed the job. Yep, I didn't get the job because she didn't like my color choices, was able to talk about the job using common industry lingo, and appeared too well dressed to need a job. In this instance, my "But why?" was answered with stupidity.

All these examples show how people can see the exact same relationships and interactions in completely different ways. My rejection was based on personal bias and a desire to show a different face to the world. 

Everyone wants to be seen as a good and decent person. That's why we all create our own truths, our own answers to the "But why?" We must find the things we value most, and then build our version of the truth to fit the person we want the world to see. No guy goes around telling people he dumped his live in girlfriend because he was cheating, no friend says they threw away a friendship because she wanted to cause drama, no employer is going to tell anyone that they didn't get the job because that person wasn't a slob. Everyone is going to present an answer that benefits them, and in reality, one that puts the rejected person in a position of  undesirability. 

Asking "But why?" in the context of human interaction is a useless and discouraging endeavor, you will not get the closure you are seeking. In fact, you will most likely walk away with more questions. As difficult as it may be, because we are curious by nature, your best option is to accept the rejection and walk away. The answer to the "But why?" is never going to mesh with your truth anyway.

Coffee for one..

As I was thinking about this blog, I realized that although I have several topics in the works, I haven't actually posted anything in a few months. Where does the time go? Ah well.

Today being Valentine's Day, I have noticed the huge number of single people out there over 30 (many of us pushing 40 if we are gonna be honest). It wasn't always like this people. I remember growing up with a single parent, thinking our little family was so different from my friends families. Even my best friend's gay mom had a life partner. My mom was the only grown up I knew that went on dates, went to the gym, and wore stiletto heels. Every other adult I had any contact with was married, most of them since their early 20s.

 I didn't want to be a single anything, so I got married and had a baby. That's all I wanted to do. Then, I got divorced and have been more single than not ever since. I did try though, I tried to be a couple, tried to be the little suzy housewife I saw all around me as a child. I didn't want my kids to grow up without two parents. Single life, to me, was not "normal".

 We all paired up, but so many of us are walking the single path today. Out of the 100+ people I know, roughly 75 are single right this second.

Maybe divorce was too easy, or we got married for the wrong reasons. Maybe we just make BAD choices in who we chose to marry. It's a proven statistical fact that there are more single people today over the age of 35 than there have ever been. EVER!

We are single. Why? My mom was single because she preferred to be. My dad died and the two other love affairs she had ended badly, so she stayed out of relationships. She raised my brother and I, and that was that. Mom dated, and had an active social life, but there was no man in her life for any length of time. That was then.

 Today the biggest hurdle we face as single adults is unrealistic expectations about the person we want to share our lives. Men want (insert name of 20 yr old famous girl here) with boobies. Women want (insert name 40 yr old famous guy here) but ten years younger.We are single because we have become so focused on the superficial that we don't take the time to find the substance. Everyone wants someone young, rich, and hot. No 21yr old heiress/heir is gonna show up at Antique's or Gasoline Alley and beg you to whisk them away in your 2008 Honda to your two bedroom apartment off Powers.They aren't going to offer to take you in their concept model sports car to their condo in Aspen either, it doesn't work that way.

I don't really enjoy being single. I don't want to get married, or even live with someone, but I am good at relationships and I miss that connection with another adult. Ok.. I miss sex too. I really miss sex. My point is, I prefer to be a part of a couple, I am happiest that way. The men in my age range however, are looking for my daughter (she is 20) not for me, and I just don't think I could be a successful cougar. 

Until we all start looking for that someone who really exists, the guy or girl that will happily do laundry with you or bring you soup when you are sick, we are doomed to remain single. Let's face it, no one really wants to be alone when they are 80.

Happy Saturnalia Everyone!

It's that time of year again! Yep.. time to argue about "keeping Christ in Christmas" and forcing schools to call it "winter" break. Ah, the scent of righteous anger is in the air!  Here's the deal folks.. shocking as it may be.. not all religions are christian religions, and LOTS of religions are older than Christianity. I know, I was floored myself when I was told! Deep breaths people.. deep breaths. Better now? Good.. let's continue.

As difficult as it is to believe, Christmas is not exactly the calm and holy day you believe it to be. It began as a day of murder, drunkenness, cannibalism, and outright debauchery:  Roman pagans first introduced the holiday of Saturnalia, a week long period of lawlessness celebrated between December 17-25.  During this period, Roman courts were closed (just like our own court system), and Roman law dictated that no one could be punished for damaging property or injuring people during the week long celebration.  The festival began when Roman authorities chose “an enemy of the Roman people” to represent the “Lord of Misrule.”  Each Roman community selected a victim whom they forced to indulge in food and other physical pleasures throughout the week.  At the festival’s conclusion, December 25, Roman authorities believed they were destroying the forces of darkness by brutally murdering this innocent man or woman. In addition to human sacrifice, Lucian (in his dialogue entitled Saturnalia) mentions these customs: widespread intoxication (Eggnog); going from house to house while singing naked (Caroling perhaps?); rape and other sexual license; and consuming human-shaped biscuits (can you say Gingerbread Men?). In the 4th century CE, Christianity imported the Saturnalia festival hoping to take the pagan masses in with it.  Christian leaders succeeded in converting to Christianity large numbers of pagans by promising them that they could continue to celebrate the Saturnalia as Christians.  The problem was that there was nothing intrinsically Christian about Saturnalia (Gee, ya think?). To remedy this, Christian leaders named Saturnalia’s concluding day, December 25, to be Jesus’ birthday.

Over the centuries these events have been wiped away, replaced with sweet and endearing stories of miracles to guide Christians to total Christmas/Jesus acceptance. We accept it, hook, line, and sinker. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy, it encourages us to be better people (for a few days anyway), it makes for great PR, and it gives us something to fight over (in true Saturnalia form).

 Happy Holidays seems much easier than Merry (Ashura  - Islam   Saint Nicholas Day - Christian   Bodhi Day(Rohatsu)  - Buddhism   Immaculate Conception - Catholic Christian   Feast day - Our Lady of Guadalupe - Catholic Christian   Posadas Navidenas through Dec. 25 - Christian   Hanukkah - Jewish  Solstice Yule - Christian   Yule - Wicca/Pagan northern hemisphere Litha - Wicca/Pagan  southern hemisphere   Christmas Eve - Christian   Christmas - Christian   Feast of the Nativity - Orthodox Christian   Zarathosht Diso (Death of Prophet Zarathushtra) - Zoroastrian   Saint Stephen, Deacon and Martyr - Christian   Holy Innocents - Christian   Feast of the Holy Family - Catholic Christian    Watch Night - Christian) Day.. but that's just me.

Remember, for every time YOU feel slighted or angered by someone not telling you "Merry Christmas".. there are a TON of people you are pissing off every time you say those words to them.